Before we dive into my 2024 Wrapped, let us take a little trip down memory lane…
This year has been a wild one for me. It’s taken me to places and penises I never would have expected.
On December 19th of 2023, I was relaxing at my boyfriend’s apartment, munching on pad see ew and chatting about how excited I was for our anniversary. It was that exact moment that he decided to drop the bomb: He was moving away, and we were over. There were no warning signs, no flags, nothing to tip me off that this might be coming. It took me weeks to be able to eat pad see ew again.
I spent the following week on my family’s annual Florida trip, alternating between disassociation and existential dread. It was the worst I’d ever felt going into a new year. I didn’t want a fresh start — I wanted things back to the way they were.
I don’t think I was able to notice it at the time, to pick up on the signs, but I lost a part of myself in that relationship. It wasn’t him who took away my sense of self — it was me. My anxiety was peaking, I felt out of control, and so I held on tightly to the nearest grounding force. My own life gave me motion sickness, so I leaned into his.
To my surprise (but probably not yours), something strange happened after the initial heartbreak wore off.
Slowly but surely, my life got…better? I don’t know if it was survival mode, or if my SSRIs were finally doing their thing, but getting dumped turned out to be exactly what I needed, as cliché as that may sound. I invested more in my friendships. I finally got to know the city I was living in. And I was reintroduced to Single Mia, whom I forgot is really fucking cool.
I started going on dates again — but not to find a boyfriend or even a stabilizing force. Just for fun, for connection, for excitement. I had sex with more people this year than any previous year — and ruled that body count is fake AF. And, most importantly, I quit my corporate job to write about sex and orgasms and shit like this — shit that I actually find really meaningful and fulfilling. I have you to thank for that, and also my ex-boyfriend. If he hadn’t broken up with me, I’m not sure I would have had the courage to make that life change. But something I’ve learned is that single Mia isn’t just slutty — she’s also brave.
Without further ado, I’d love to share my 2024 Dating (& Fucking) Wrapped. I hope you know me well enough to know that this list is not meant to initiate comparison or associate any of these stats with being “good” or “bad.” But rather, to serve as a reminder that even if your 2025 isn’t off to the best start, it may turn out better — and hornier — than you could even imagine.
Introducing, My 2024 Dating (& Fucking) Wrapped
BTW, it gets more unhinged as you go.
1 low-key upsetting breakup, that although happened at the end of 2023, plagued me for the first few months of 2024. So it’s part of the equation.
11 first dates – 2 I met in a public place, 1 was a mutual friend set-up, 8 I met on Hinge
5 second dates
3 pseudo-situationships that were mainly just people I consistently banged
8 different penises entered my vagina (I wonder if you thought it might be more! Or less!)
5 of said penis owners made me orgasm (0 of them did so with their actual penis)
4 rogue hookups where peen didn’t enter vageen
2 instances when I bled on the sheets during/after sex and then had to awkwardly strip the bed
1 one-night-stand where I threw up at his apartment the next morning (multiple times!)
3 people fully ghosted me after acting obsessed and having sex with me (multiple times!)
1 time I had sex with two different people in one day, not at the same time (can’t decide if this was iconic of me or unhygienic. LMK if you want to hear the logistics)
5 times where I had sex with someone even though I wasn’t super into it/it started to hurt but I sorta convinced myself that I wanted to (goal for 2025: get this number to 0)
One million Hinge conversations that went absolutely nowhere
20+ times I applied self-tanner before sex thinking it would make me look more snatched but it actually just ended up getting on their white sheets and making me smell bad
100 million times that I realized I love being single. 200 million times that I felt anxious about finding love.
1 ongoing case of TMJ — my dentist said I shouldn’t put large things in my mouth anymore. SOS!
Those are rookie numbers!
I’m sure mines triple that