Can I blame men for sexualizing me when that's all I do to myself?
Let's go through screenshots of my texts and discuss.
I’ve been hooking up with this guy.
Very casually, might I add. We met on a night out that I truthfully don’t remember very well, but he kindly recounted the events for me via text the next day. Apparently after a flirtatious evening, I told him, “I’m going home, do you want to come with me?” He said that he couldn’t because he had an out-of-town pal staying with him. And I responded, “Okay, so do you want to come home with me?” Turns out I’m hard of hearing when I’m drunk off my ass. Who would have thought!
While he may have turned me down that night, I landed a date with him a few days later that ended in awesome, consensual sex. This man will be called Good Sex Guy.
Something you should know about me if you don’t already is that I’m in my emotionally unavailable era. I got hardcore dumped six months ago, and while I’ve moved on from that breakup, I’m not ready to open myself up again. After my first date with Good Sex Guy, I sobbed to my therapist because I was so afraid that I was going to catch feelings for him. I didn’t even know him, but he seemed nice and normal and funny and that felt like the most dangerous thing in the world.
So, I made sure to put myself in the Good Time Only Box. I texted him variations of “Want to have sex with me?” without any introductions or formalities. I left his apartment after we both finished and never invited him over to mine. And I gabbed with him about sexual shit like blowjobs and threesomes and porn instead of ever discussing anything real.
I completely sexualized and objectified myself to him. So, why was I surprised when he saw me as an object?
Last week, I received a text from Good Sex Guy that he had a “funny potential future proposal.” I was giddy waiting for his response. Did he actually have an activity planned for us? Was he going to ask me on a date? I mean it when I say I’m only looking for something casual, but I wouldn’t mind being courted just a bit before being banged.
Well, it turns out he definitely had an activity planned for us…
“I hooked up with a girl last night,” he typed, “and afterwards she was like I’d want to watch you have sex with someone else sometime. And of course, I immediately thought of you.”
It’s embarrassing to admit, but right when I received this text, I felt sick to my stomach. I put on a front as being this Super Slutty Empowered Sexual Woman, but something about this message made me feel really sad. I can’t blame him for “immediately thinking of me” for that — I had totally given him the idea that that’s what I was good for. Crazy sex. Wild experiences. Good Time Only.
But seeing it put so plainly like that on my screen, it felt different. Like, how did he think I was going to respond? “OMG, so honored that you immediately thought of me! I’ve always wanted to have that random girl you hooked up with watch us have sex! How’d you know!”
I guess, Railed Readers, I need to ask your advice. Do I have a right to be sort of offended by that proposal? Or is it on me, for sending literally all of those signals? And can I blame men for sexualizing me when that’s all I do to myself?
When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to be sexualized.
I was a tiny ex-gymnast with mosquito bite boobs and huge goody-two-shoes energy. Boys never saw me that way, and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was sixteen. But inside, I was yearning to be one of those girls who immediately gave off sexual energy. The type of girl who boys fantasized about, who boys wanted to kiss, who boys saw that way.
So, I started sexualizing myself in the hopes that others would do the same. I went on dating apps and sexted everyone under the sun. I asked men sexual questions in unsexual settings so they would know I was cool and hot and fun (What type of porn do you watch? MILF? Yeah, you’re such a Lisa Ann boy). I changed how I acted in the hopes that I would no longer be seen as the cute, innocent girl. And you know what? It worked. Maybe too well.
So, here we are. I got invited to some strange pseudo threesome and it has me in my feels. I’m not sure what to do next. Do I get mad at Good Sex Guy? Do I join the threesome? Do I need to change my behaviors or have lower expectations? What do you think?
I’m a 43 year old married father, so this advice is going to have some strong dad energy, take it or leave it. It sounds to me like you’re not entirely sure what it is that you want, and that’s causing you some problems. You mentioned getting out of a relationship and being emotionally unavailable, but did you connect that to your sexual life? That is, most people aren’t good at separating sex from emotion, and trying to is often unhealthy. Some folks won’t have a problem doing so, they can have great sex with no emotional component, but that’s not the norm and it’s not a mold to try to fit yourself into if that’s not you because it’s going to cause a lot of heartache. The fact that you’re worried about developing feelings for a hookup who sounds like a decent guy who treats you well…that’s totally normal. Most women (or men, in the reverse case) are going to get emotionally attached to a person they’re attracted to who treats them well upon entering a sexual relationship, or even before. That’s not you being weird or broken, that’s how most humans operate. I think you need to figure out who you are and what you want, and then be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about it. Are you really someone who can have no strings attached FWB relationships? Do you even really want that, or do you want to find your way into another relationship, even if you do so very slowly? Did it bother you only that you got invited to group sex or was part of it that this guy was sleeping with other women? This is not a judgement thing, but you won’t be happy until you’re able to discern your own need and act in accordance with them. I’d say above all reject the pressure to act a certain way, to be a certain type of woman who is flippant about sex, who pretends it doesn’t mean anything or affects you IF it does (it may not, I’m trying not to make any blanket statements). Above all just be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to be soft here. Sex is a powerful thing, hookups can be fun but they can also break your soul if you go down a path of having a bunch of sex you don’t really want to the point where you start objectifying yourself and cutting your sexuality off from your spirit. I hope you can figure it out, you seem from your writing like a nice person and you’re as worthy of happiness and fulfillment as anyone else.
Just read this for this first time today. I think his intention is sharing that with you was to show you how comfortable he is sexually to share experiences that would otherwise be seen as taboo. The way make it clear to a guy that you only wanted to focus on the sex in your relationship by saying just that. I’d be honored to receive that text knowing that he is a safe space to explore sexy things with without getting emotionally attached to who he is as a person if that’s what your relationship was established as. I don’t think he sees you as only a sexual object, but a woman who he can be vulnerable to regarding his kinks. He’s probably not the best candidate for your next long term partnership, but he can definitely help you have a lot of fun if you’re in the space to jump into what a casual sexual relationship looks like. I recommend the book “Getting It: A Guide to Hot Healthy Hookups and Shame Free Sex” by Allison moon. It really helped me reframe casual sex as something with a lot of value FOR MYSELF. It gives me the space to develop really good sex with people I know aren’t going to be my life partners but are still good friends to hang out with and fuck. Sorry this is kinda random lol