I Lived It: He Actually Was Just Tired

We REALLY need to talk about the phrase, "If he wanted to, he would."

As a young woman entrenched in the dating scene, there is one phrase, one piece of advice, being shoved down my throat harder than an erect penis. The phrase is, “If he wanted to, he would.” 

I actually despise this expression for so many reasons. First of all, how unempowering is that, putting all of the control in his hands? It encourages women to not take charge, to not make our feelings known, to not put ourselves out there, unless we know with one hundred percent certainty that it’s being reciprocated. 

Second of all, the logic is downright stupid. According to this phrase, if he wanted to go out with you, he would ask. If he wanted to text you, he would press send. If he wanted to kiss you, he would smooch your face off. But let me ask you — how many times have you wanted to go out with someone, text someone, or kiss someone, but simply didn’t? Because you were nervous or shy or felt like they should make the first move? 

I’ve never subscribed to the belief that “If he wanted to, he would.” But two weeks ago, I had my doubts.

Let me set the scene for you: I was on a first date at a cocktail bar in the Lower East Side. I ordered a spectacularly girly drink that was pink and fruity, and a tall, handsome brunette man was seated across from me. As the presumptuous and horny gal that I am, my purse was stashed with an extra pair of underwear and Melatonin just in case I decided to sleepover. Sex was on my mind, and I had no problem asking for it.

The date was flowing just as effortlessly as the drinks, and I could feel his flirtatious eye contact piercing through me. The chemistry was there. The vibes were vibing. I Wanted To Smooch His Face Off And Maybe Some Other Stuff Too.

“What are you up to after this?” I asked as he handed back the check.

“Just going home, I think,” he replied.

“Is that an invitation?” I posed as cheekily as possible.

“Uh…I think that may not work for me tonight,” he said. “I have an early work morning and need to get some sleep.”

As we walked out together, I couldn’t help but feel completely rejected.

I thought we had such a great time! Did he not find me attractive? Did I scare him away? Infinite questions swirled through my mind, but there was only one that I didn’t bother to consider: Did he actually just have an early work morning? I always aim to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it was hard not to feel like If He Wanted To Go Home With Me, He Would Have.

Well, guess what, Railed Readers: He asked me out twice since then, and we are having a swell old time! We’ve banged! We’ve texted about our days! We have the makings of a fantastically confusing situationship, which is all I could ask for and more.

On our second date, I subtly confronted him about turning me down that first night, and all he did was laugh. “You thought I didn’t like you?” he asked, eyes wide. “It was a Monday! I had to go to sleep early!” We both giggled, and then more awesome stuff happened that I’ll let you imagine.

So, there you have it, folks. “If he wanted to, he would” has been properly debunked. Sometimes it’s actually just a Monday and he’s tired and has work the next day! 

But you know what? Even after getting turned down after our first date, I had no regrets. Sure, I felt a little embarrassed and bummed. But I was glad I asked. I wanted to have sex with him, I knew I wanted to have sex with him, so why hold back? 

I’d like to rebrand this horrid phrase. Instead of “If he wanted to, he would,” how about “If you want you, you should!”

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

XOXOXO,

Mia