I started watching porn when I was 10. Is that normal?
It all began with Lady Gaga's Poker Face music video. Because, duh.
“C’mon, show me how much you missed me.”
“Well, I definitely missed you this much.” One strap dropped.
“Oh yeah.”
“And maybe this much, too.” The other strap dropped.
“Don’t tease me like this.”
“And I might have missed you just enough to reach behind my back and unclasp this bra…”
“Oh baby, please, yes.”
“Whatever you say.” Two big ol’ titties dropped.
And with that, ten-year-old me closed my parents’ laptop, laid down on my bed, and deeply contemplated what I just saw.
I then reopened the computer to clear my search history, which consisted of “naked lady stripping” in the YouTube search bar. In case you’re wondering, yes, I did believe that I was a lesbian after this, and yes, they did used to show nipples on YouTube. I would know. That was my shit.
What else was my shit? Well, let’s take a trip down memory lane as I share a list of the types of “porn” I have gotten into, in chronological order.
1. The “Poker Face” music video, starring Lady Gaga. Otherwise known as My Sexual Awakening. I watched this video on repeat, pausing to stare at parts where Lady Gaga grabbed her boobs or pointed to her “muffin.” Truly unsure of how I turned out to be a heterosexual woman after all this.
2. Episodes of Glee. Self-explanatory. Quinn and Finn hooking up in the hot tub? Game over.
3. Naked women doing weird poses in bathtubs. It was at this point that I discovered that I could see images of people actually naked on the internet, which was thrilling. The only downside was that the website had some rather disturbing images of naked women truly bearing all, giving us angles I don’t even want to see of myself. That is burned into my mind forever, and now it will be burned in yours. You're welcome!
4. YouTube porn where people sort of fucked if I got lucky. A prime example being the woman stripping for her boyfriend as he insecurely asked how much she missed him. Some videos were more censored than others, so you really took what you could get.
5. Just your normal, good old fashioned PornHub content. Ah, the promised land. I don’t feel inclined to share any more details on this one, given that I don’t think anyone needs to know what type of porn I currently indulge in. That information stays between me, my close friends, and anyone who I ever speak with, ever, on any given day.
For me now, porn is something fun and sexy and liberating, but it certainly wasn’t always that way.
I always wondered how I remembered all of these clips with such detail, how I could recite a YouTube video I watched fourteen years ago word for word. But I think it was because of the overwhelming physical experience I have associated with them. Not the tingly sensation, but the feeling of something being so wrong and so shameful yet so out of my control.
Once, in the fourth grade (yes, FOURTH GRADE!), I stayed up all night crying to my parents but refused to tell them why I was upset. I was feeling so horrible for what I had been up to, for my computer search history, and I so deeply believed that I was a bad kid for it. No one told me that those sensations were normal and okay, so instead I believed that I deserved to be punished for them.
Eventually, I told them the truth — well, somewhat of the truth. I said that I clicked a wrong link and got taken to something inappropriate online. So, really not the truth at all. They suppressed laughter and told me they loved me, but it took me a while to recover from that feeling. The feeling that I needed to go to my parents and cry and apologize and beg for forgiveness every time I had the urge to watch Lady Gaga put on her poker face.
I’m telling you this because I think it’s important for you to know how I turned out this way.
Yes, I popped right out out with a horny, sex-crazed attitude from the get-go, and if anyone was masturbating in the womb I was definitely one of them. But I also grew to care a lot about sharing experiences, about making sure no one else has to feel ashamed or alone or misguided. I learned about my sexual side from an early age, and I also quickly learned that it’s a double-edged sword. Talking about sex helps me process my own experiences while also giving others space to do the same. There’s a lot of power in honesty, in saying that you’ve been there too.
So, please let me know, were you watching porn at ten years old? And if so, what was your preferred viewing? Was it Poker Face or Glee or sketchy websites or what? I promise, I won’t judge — I’ve seen it all.
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