Reached Railed: How do I show interest without "doing too much?"

Let's discuss this question from a fab male reader.

Hi Mia, male reader here. I feel like I’m constantly balancing not doing too much or too little when interacting with women I’m interested in. I don’t want to do too much as I don’t want them to do anything they don’t feel comfortable with (consent is key), but I also don’t want to do too little and have them think that I’m not interested. Maybe I’m overthinking this too much, but thought I’d ask anyway.

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Ummmm…you and everyone else, king! Especially for men, there are a lot of mixed messages around dating. Be forward! But not creepy. Pay for the date! But remember you are equals. Approach her in public! But only if you’re hot. Be aggressive and dominant during sex! But always be gentle and cautious, too. It’s like the America Ferrera Barbie speech except for men!

Let us not forget: This inner dialogue exists for a very important reason. At least 82% of women have been sexually harassed, at least one in four have been sexually assaulted, and pretty much every woman ever has been pressured, coerced, or made to feel uncomfortable by a man at some point in her life. It’s crucial that men question their actions and maybe even overthink them, in an effort to avoid being that traumatic or unpleasant experience in a woman’s life.

So, I really, truly appreciate the fact that you are prioritizing comfort and consent when pursuing women. But honestly, the fact that you are even asking this question shows me that you are probably not someone who I need to worry about.

More often than not, the men who make me feel uncomfortable are generally doing one of the following:

1) catcalling me on the street

2) sending me a sexually explicit message or DM with zero lead up or indication that I want to receive it

3) touching me inappropriately without my consent (most often, this takes place in a club and takes the form of uninvited grinding or grabbing)

Or 4) won’t leave me alone at bar despite my clear cues that I want the interaction to end.

What do all of these things have in common? They are super easy to avoid, and most people who have a basic understanding of social cues and etiquette won’t do them. Of course, this list will look different for every woman, and there is plenty of nuance when it comes to making others feel safe and unthreatened. But generally, I find that it’s not at all hard to avoid being a creep.

To my wonderful Railed Reader who wrote in this question, my guess is that you are reading this list and thinking, “I would never do something like that!” So, I hope that by sharing this, you will feel empowered to not be too concerned about “doing too much,” as you put it. If you see a cute girl in a bar and want to approach her — do it! Give her a wholesome compliment, play up the banter, and make a graceful exit if you can tell she’s not feeling it. If you’re on a date and want to initiate a kiss — go for it! Ask for consent along the way, and open the lines of communication throughout, creating a safe space for her to tell you what she likes — and doesn’t.

The best advice I can offer you to avoid turning her off or making her uncomfortable are these three words:

Read. The. Room. Is she making eye contact with you? That’s a fantastic cue to approach. Is she smiling during your conversation and asking questions, or is she looking around for an escape? That’s also something to take note of. Is she super into the hookup, or can you feel that her energy is off? That’s a great signal to pause and ask if she’d like to stop. For more tips on how to best read the room and pick up on women’s energy, check out this story I wrote for Men’s Health! I think you might find it helpful — I interviewed an awesome dating coach who specializes in helping men understand women.

I also want to mention something that I think is very important for you to hear: Women want to be approached. Women want to be pursued. I say this all with a big fat asterisk, as I’m talking purely from personal experience specifically as a heterosexual woman, leaning on stereotypes as well as what I’ve heard from friends and other women. But generally, yes, we want you to be forward. And most importantly, you’ll never be “too much” for the right person. If you are interested in someone, show it! I promise, it’s always better to wear your heart on your sleeve and live without “what ifs?”.

I hope this was helpful! Please write back in and let me know how it goes. And to all Railed Readers, submit your own questions to Reaching Railed here! Merry Christmas you filthy animals ;)