Reaching Railed: Does first date sex send the wrong message?
Since when did wanting an orgasm also mean you don’t want a relationship?
Dear Railed,
I’ve been texting this guy I met on Hinge, and he invited me over to drink wine at his place. Do you think he just wants to hookup? If I end up having sex with him (which I think I might want to) could he still take me seriously?
Hello Hinge Queen. Although you did not disclose this information, I feel confident in assuming the writer of this note is a woman — because no man (at least, no man I’ve ever encountered) would pose the question, “Could they still take me seriously after having sex?” There is something so uniquely misogynistic about the way women are made to feel like first-date-sex makes them no longer viable for a relationship. Or no longer worthy of being taken seriously, of being courted, of being considered for something other than a hookup. Since when did wanting an orgasm also mean you don’t want a relationship?
So, hello queen. I see you, I’ve been you, and many days, I am you.
In this write-in, you posed two questions. The first: Does he just want to HU if he invited you over to his place for drinks? And the second: If you have sex on the first date, could a relationship still progress from there? I’d like to start by addressing the latter, and I’d like to answer it with a story.
I’ve always been more comfortable having sex than going on a date.
To some people, that may sound crazy. But for me, physical intimacy is far less intimidating than emotional intimacy. For quite a while, I found myself having sex on first or second dates simply because I felt less on display with their penis inside me than I did sitting across the table scanning a QR code menu. In many ways, sex was the only way I knew how to break the ice.
When the “Want to get drinks on Thursday?” texts turned into late night “WYD?” notifications, I always blamed myself. I made it casual, I turned it into a hookup, I initiated sex and now that’s what they think I’m good for. It was only last year that the cycle was broken.
I went on two lovely dates with a boy I met on Hinge. He reached out in advance, gave me options for reservations, and organized both to a tee. I felt desired and pursued in a way that was brand new. At the end of the second date, I indulged in my usual ritual: ask if he needs to go to sleep early, imply I want to see his apartment, pass go and collect 200 (does that work for a sexual innuendo? It feels dirty!).
The next few days, I prepared myself for the switch. The disappearance of the reservations and the courting and the advanced notice. But this time, something different happened. Following our sexscapades, he reached out to pitch a thoughtful activity for our next date — a comedy show followed by drinks, with time and date options for me to choose from. I’ll never forget how my heart cracked wide open as the text popped up on my screen.
It was the first time I felt like someone wanted me for more — more than my body, more than just sex, more than a quick bang and a goodbye. I think a part of me fell in love with him right then and there. We dated for an imperfect but wonderful year after that.
To my Questioning Queen, let me say this: If you do have sex with him, it is completely possible that he will not take you seriously after that. But that would only mean he’s not worthy of your excellence. The right person won’t see you differently when or how or if you choose to have sex with them — so go forth and get banged if that sounds fun to you.
Now, let’s tackle your second question: What does it mean if he invites you over to “drink wine at his place?” Does that mean he just wants to hookup?
From my experience, probably! Every person is different, so it’s possible that he’s just more comfortable meeting at his home base to connect (key word being “possible”). But my gut instinct is that he’s looking to jump right into business — that is, sexual business — with you.
If I were in your boat, I would suggest linking up at a wine bar instead! From a safety perspective, it’s always wise to meet in public to start, especially if you don’t have mutual friends who can vouch for your date. You can keep it light and goofy by messaging something like, “Want to meet at *insert wine bar* instead? They have my favorite rosé, and I need to make sure you’re not a serial killer LOL.” That way, you can kill two birds with one stone: set the standard that you want to go out on dates and feel out his vibe before you’re back at his apartment — a more pressurized environment where it’s harder to skedaddle if you’re not vibing with him.
Dearest gentle reader, I hope this was helpful! Please write back in and tell me how the date went. And to all Railed Readers, submit your own questions to Reaching Railed here! I need all the tea.
Xoxoxo, Mia
