Reaching Railed: First kisses, vanilla sex, and men with the same name as your brother
Sit down. We have a lot to discuss.
Hi Railed!! So I met this guy and we’ve been going on dates and he is wonderful in every way except one—he has the same (uncommon!) name as my brother. Personally, I feel like that’s a silly reason to not pursue things because otherwise it’s green flags all around. But I am still having a hard time with it/thinking about saying his name when we’re intimate. I also don’t want my family to think it’s weird if we end up in a relationship. Any advice you have would be so appreciated!!
Hello Railed Reader! I totally feel your stress with this one. My brother has an uncommon name (Shoutout Akiva! TYSM for being a good brother and never reading these) and I don’t know if I would ever be able to date someone with his name. However, the fact that your guy is all green flags makes me think that you should try to power through—because how often do guys like that come around? Not often, in my experience!
This may be the most Captain Obvious solution in the world, but could you come up with a nickname for him? You could even get him in on it and ask to pick one out together (assuming that he’s aware he shares the same name as your brother). It could be as simple as telling him, “Listen, I’m super into you, but you having the same name as my brother is tripping me up. Is there any other name you get called that I could use? Or maybe we could come up with one together?” Maybe you call him by his last name, or the first letter of his first name—it could be a fun little project that you discuss together.
I think that could also help on the family front, because you can introduce him using the chosen nickname, which will help mitigate any confusion around having multiple people with the same name. Maybe your fam will find it a little weird at first, but I bet that everyone will adjust and welcome him in. P.S. I’m obviously dying to know his name so I can help you come up with nicknames LOL. Write back in and LMK what it is!
Before meeting my partner, my sex life was super kinky. Now that I’ve been with him for a while, I don’t feel like doing anything like that with him. He’s a like gentle, safe space, and we’re building a life together. When we do sex, even stuff that I considered vanilla before, like impact play, feels like too much. I think he’s hurt by the fact that, sexually, I’ve completely changed, and we both know it’s kind of because of him. (He’s made it clear he is happy with a kinkless sex life, and this itself isn’t a sticking point.) How should I handle this conversation with him, and should I be questioning the 180 I’ve done sexually??
Wow, so much to unpack here! First of all, I want to validate that this is a totally normal and relatable phenomenon. Just like our taste in food or TV shows or porn categories can change with time and experiences, so do our sexual preferences! And more specifically, it makes sense that sex with different people is going to be different—it’s completely okay to want kinky sex with one guy and vanilla with another. In fact, to be totally honest, I often find that my kinkiest sex occurs with the people I have the least sexual chemistry with, because we add on all these bells and whistles to try and make the sex better. On the flip side, when the penis in vagina action alone is hitting, that can be all you need.
It’s just like you said: He’s a gentle, safe place for you, and you feel comfortable enough with him to have intimate, so called “vanilla” sex—which can often be way more vulnerable than kinky banging. So maybe that’s how you frame it to him: “Vanilla sex doesn’t feel vanilla with you, because it’s just that good. We don’t need any bells and whistles to make it next-level.” As long as you both are feeling completely fulfilled and satisfied by the sex you are having, it doesn’t matter if there’s handcuffs or impact play or dead fishing galore!
You mentioned that his feelings were a bit hurt because “we both know it’s kind of because of him.” I would actually argue that it’s mainly about you—in the best possible way. You feel differently in this relationship, your desires have changed, and you want something new, which is amazing! When navigating this convo with him, I would try to make it clear that it isn’t about him—it’s about you, what you’re craving, and how safe you feel in the relationship.
I’m 17 and have never had my first kiss. Is that embarrassing?
QUEEN! Not at ALL! I had my first kiss when I was sixteen at a Jewish youth group convention while Fifth Harmony was performing (yes, our group lowkey had a big budget, but also it was after Camila had left so it was less exciting). I completely relate to the feelings you’re having now—I was embarrassed that I’d never kissed anyone before, and I felt like I was late to the game (and deep down, I feel undesirable as fuck). Now that I have a few years on you, I can see the situation with more clarity, so I can say with full confidence: It doesn’t matter at all. It doesn’t mean anything about you. And most of all, it’s not embarrassing! (Unless you’re kissing to Fifth Harmony’s song, “Sledgehammer.” Then it’s a little embarrassing).
When it comes to sex and dating, there’s a ton of pressure around timelines, whether it’s your first kiss, first time, or first relationship. And I know what it’s like to feel like something is wrong with you if you’re not winning the race. But I promise, there isn’t. Whether you kiss someone tomorrow or next year or in five years, you are still gorgeous and desirable and brave. And if it makes you feel any better, I was around your age when I had my first kiss, and now I’m a total slut. Dreams do come true!
Thank you all SO much for writing in these questions. I love you more than words can describe. As always, submit your own questions to Reaching Railed here!