Reaching Railed: I'm a guy, and I'm worried girls are bummed when I can't cum

Oh boy...do I have something to tell you...

Dear Mia,

I am a male and have issues with my sexual performance, specifically PIV (penis in vagina) sex and climaxing. I am a very “generous lover” and try to pleasure my partners in other ways, but always feel like they are disappointed when I struggle with PIV or take a while to finish. How should I approach this?

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Hi king! You are already slaying so hard simply by asking this question. I appreciate you reaching out about a topic that so many men are struggling to navigate!

Before we dive in, I’d like to make one thing clear: You are no less manly or sexy or desired if your peen isn’t cooperating during sex. TBH, for most women, penetrative sex isn’t the main event — it’s just the cherry on top of the fruitful foreplay. Assuming you are as generous as you claim to be, I’m sure your lovers are more than satisfied. Say it with me: The intensity of your erection doesn’t determine the quality of the sexual encounter!

Regardless of that affirmation, I can totally understand feeling anxious or disappointed if your penis isn’t performing how you want. You think you take a long time to finish, sir? I’d like to introduce you to my good friend, the clitoris. (Yes, I’m going to answer your question by talking about myself. I’m so sorry, I don’t know any other way. xoxo)

For the first few years of my sexual awakening, I found it physically impossible to reach climax with a man.

On my own? I could get there in two minutes and orgasm six times. But as an undiagnosed anxiety girlie whose own thoughts were my greatest enemy, I was always way too in my head to reach the finish line. And even now, a few boyfriends and many hook-ups later, I still find it to be a rare experience.

For the longest time, I beat myself up about this. A guy could be going down on me for half an hour, and I would feel excruciatingly guilty that he was trying his best moves and I couldn’t get there. It was a vicious cycle: I put a ton of pressure on myself to orgasm, so then of course I couldn’t orgasm, so then I felt bad and weird and embarrassed and so on and so forth. 

Until one day — I think maybe my frontal lobe developed or something — I created a new strategy to break the cycle. At the start of any hookup, I would provide a sexy little disclaimer, along the lines of, “I just want you to know that it’s pretty hard for me to orgasm. If I don’t cum, it doesn’t mean I’m not having an awesome time — sometimes it’s just hard for me to get there.” 

This simple PSA completely changed the course of my hookups.

I no longer felt immense pressure to orgasm, so I could simply enjoy sex without worrying about the destination. I also noticed that the guys I was having sex with seemed more relaxed while pleasuring me. If I didn’t orgasm, they knew it wasn’t personal, and if I did, then they felt pretty fucking good about themselves.

I know that it’s different for guys. Not only does a soft penis really get in the way of the action, but you also have all of that toxic masculinity baggage to deal with. However, I am curious to hear what might happen if you begin hookups with your own sexy disclaimer. It can be as simple as, “Hey, just so you know, sometimes I struggle to stay hard/it can take me a while to finish. I’m super excited to bang the shit out of you, so I wanted to make it clear that if this does happen, it’s nothing about you.”

You mentioned a concern that the vagina-holders in your encounters seem disappointed if you struggle to cum. From a female perspective, I can bet that it’s not a disappointment around your penis, but rather a misguided disappointment in herself. Logically, we know that penis hardness can be affected by a variety of factors, but it’s hard not to feel insecure and worry, Does he not think I’m hot? Does my blowjob suck? Is it because of me that he can’t cum?

If you offered that PSA at the beginning, I suspect that you would feel more at ease during the hookup, and I also suspect that it would go a long way with your female friend. By decentering the orgasm, both of you can have fun and let loose without feeling tied to a specific — sometimes unattainable — goal.

So, let’s recap:

• Step 1: Remember that your worth and general hotness has nothing to do with your penis performance.

• Step 2: Communicate your concerns in advance, so you can let go of any worries that may hold you back during sex.

• Step 3a: Recognize that if a girl seems disappointed, it’s probably coming from a place of insecurity. Try to reassure her!

• Step 3b: If a girl seems actually annoyed or impatient around your peen probs, then that’s not cool, and she’s not worthy of your penetration.

I hope this was helpful! Please write back in and tell me all the juicy updates. And to all Railed Readers, submit your own questions to Reaching Railed here!