Reaching Railed: My BF wants to fuck like porn stars

Guys, it's 2024. Get it together.

Dear Mia,

So I just started seeing a new guy. He’s super sweet, has a heart of gold, but we just aren’t clicking in the bedroom. A couple things have made me suspect that most of his experience comes from watching porn — he is quite rough, and when we had initially talked about what wasn’t working, he told me he’s used to “women screaming” which, although I’d like to think I’m pretty vocal, is something I don’t tend to do. I’ve tried to tell him that what I value most from sex is connection, but it still feels super performative. I guess my question is, how should I try to restructure this conversation? Or are there things in the moment I could say/do to help him feel more comfortable and communicate my wants and needs? I don’t want him to think I’m not into him, but I am worried that our sex won’t get more enjoyable for me.

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Hello my lovely Railed Reader! This is such a great question, and boy, have I been there. You’re thoroughly enjoying the person and the date and the making out, but the moment their peen enters you, there’s a disconnect. Something about their stroke is off, your vagina becomes drier than the Sahara, and it feels like a rug burn up your cervix. But you “power through” in the hopes that it will get better because he’s such a nice guy (or “nice guy.” That part depends.)

I have participated in this cycle more times than I’d like to admit, having painful sex in the hopes that next time will be different. But can we all please agree not to do that anymore? It’s evident from your question that the sex isn't enjoyable for you right now.

My number one piece of advice? If the sex isn’t feeling good, stop.

Don’t push through. Don’t wait until he comes. If he is being too rough or not prioritizing your enjoyment, it doesn’t mean we have to cancel him, but you have every right to tap out. In fact, I think you should. Because when we keep going, don’t tell them to stop, or even pretend like it feels good when it actually sucks, then that only trains them to keep up whatever bad moves they were trying.

Say it with me: Sex shouldn’t hurt!

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head when deducing that your man is taking his sexual cues from porn. If this is the case, he might be lacking in substantive real-world sexual experiences to pull from, which could lead to insecurity in the bedroom (especially if you’re a super hot cool woman, which I know you are because all Railed readers are super hot and cool, so he’s probably intimated by you). 

Because of this, I think that leading with reassurance is always a good idea.

While there is no world in which you should feel obligated to be “screaming,” you can offer encouraging moans when he’s doing something you like, and anytime he’s pleasuring you, very clearly state, “I love that. Keep going. That’s so hot. Etc.” Instead of pointing out what he’s doing wrong, I wonder if it would help to give positive affirmation when he takes direction and makes you feel good.

Again, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel empowered to stop or tell him if something hurts. Giving him positive reassurance should not come before your own comfort.

Another idea I have is for you to try and take the sex into your own hands.

As someone who prefers to be submissive (with a hint of brat, obvi), I totally understand if this isn’t your cup of tea. But if your mans is less experienced in the bedroom and isn’t getting the job done, I bet he would love for you to get on top and take control. This way, you can also be in charge of the intensity and pace, hopefully landing in a space that feels good for you and allows you to show him clearly, “This is how I like it.”

While these are all strategies for you to implement, the real growth will need to come from him.

If you are communicating your likes and dislikes — or even confiding in him that the sex is too rough — and he doesn’t make any changes, then that is not okay. It’s totally normal if it takes time for you to find your rhythm together during sex, and it’s very evident that you want to do the work to make it an enjoyable, meaningful experience for both of you. If you BF isn’t making an effort to do the same, then, SAY IT WITH ME: HE’S NOT WORTHY OF YOU!

I hope this was helpful! Let me know how it goes. And to all Railed Readers, submit your own questions to Reaching Railed here!