This Disney Channel star tried to hook-up with me

I promise you, it's not the flex that you might think...

Let me set the scene for you. 

The night was December 6th, 2022. I was quite new to NYC — and adult life all together. I was working at an advertising agency, cosplaying as a professional grown-up by wearing Aritzia blazers and texting my dad questions from the office bathroom. Everything was new and exciting but also terrible and utterly different than life had been before.

To continue the grown-up charade, me and my roommate Lily decided to engage in an activity only chic, working women do: Meet for a post-work cocktail. Sure, I might have spent the entire day choosing presentation fonts and crying over a Slack message, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t well deserving of a little treat. So, the two of us met up for a cheeky drink at a spot we had been eager to try, called Sake Bar Decibel in the East Village.

From the outside, this place couldn’t be more unassuming. But as you walk downstairs and through a set of velvet curtains, you enter into an ultra sexy, dimly lit atmosphere that bleeds red. We were seated at the bar, on stools that probably supported one third of my butt (not to say I have a large butt, but more-so to say that they were unethically small stools). I was at the end of the bar, while Lily sat in between me and an unidentified man — who will be identified later. 

I looked down at my phone to check for any lingering work emails, and as I glanced up, I noticed the two of them engaging in some light chit chat. Lily is the queen of making friends with strangers, so I didn’t think much of it.

That is, until she turned to me and asked, “Do you know who this is?”

The moment of truth.

When I reveal which Disney Channel star will later try to woo me. Was it one of those cute boys from Wizards of Waverly Place? Maybe a Sprouse twin? Or even that kid from Good Luck Charlie? No, my friend. I’m afraid it’s none of the above.

“Wait,” I replied, studying his face. “Are you Rico from Hannah Montana?”

Yes, that’s right. There was one seat in between me and the legendary owner of Rico’s Surf Shop, otherwise known as Moises Arias. He was surprisingly down to yap with us — I mean, not surprisingly, since we are two fun ladies, but he didn’t roll his eyes when we asked about working with Miley (it was awesome) or if the Disney Channel Games were as fun as they looked (they were). We chatted about life and stardom and New York City over two Lychee martinis each, and by the last sip of our last drink, we felt like fast friends. 

The three of us even made a group-chat, which I will obviously share the screenshots of since this all feels sort of unbelievable to me. 

After exchanging phone numbers, Lily and I ran home to freak out about what just happened. RICO FROM HANNAH MONTANA? WE ARE TEXTING RICO FROM HANNAH MONTANA? It was the funniest, most randomly amazing thing that had happened to us since we moved to the city. I mean this so sincerely: We had the highest, most unrealistic hopes of becoming besties with him. 

That is, until things took a turn for the worst.

The clock strikes 12:44am on December 10th. My pajamas are on. Retainer is in. New Girl is playing in the background while we both Lily and I watch muted TikToks on our phones. All of a sudden, I see a text from Moises pop up on my phone. I believe the exact words I said were, “KAJDHFKJDSHFKJLASDF!!!!”

But like the classic man he is, he didn’t text in the group-chat that had been created for this exact occasion. No, he texted me individually, because he wanted to get some of this non-stool-fitting booty. Disappointment washed over both of us: Lily, because she wanted our squad to reunite, and me, because I was stuck between a rock and a very small man.

Did I do the deed? Did I rock it with Rico? See for yourself.

While I live for a good story, there was simply no way I was going to hook-up with someone both skinnier and shorter than me. Believe me when I say that man was literally ninety pounds. So unfortunately, our story ended there.

There was a part of me that felt icky after that interaction. I thought we were becoming friends, and maybe he was just trying to get in my pants. But in hindsight, I think we were being equally icky. I wanted to be friends with someone famous (him) and he wanted to fuck someone awesome (me). It’s a doggy dog world out there, Railed Readers. As Rico and my mutual bestie would say, “Nobody’s perfect.”

There isn’t really any helpful lesson or interesting insight in this Railed post. But I had fun spilling tea with you guys! For some reason I’m all of a sudden worried that I’m going to get sued for sharing those texts. Plz let me know if those are just intrusive thoughts! K bye.