Why didn’t his ex girlfriend teach him how to eat p*ssy?
How could she do this to me?
As an ex-girlfriend myself, I don’t love the idea of my previous man frolicking around the world, going down on any girl he pleases. But at least I know she’s getting it good. She’s getting it real good. And you know what — she deserves it! I guarantee she’s gotten her fair share of bad head, but not today, sister. That man got coaching, he got direction, and he passed his final exam with flying orgasms. Because if I’m investing in a relationship with someone, I’m taking the time to make sure he knows exactly what he’s doing down there.
It never feels good to think about your ex with another girl. But I pride myself in knowing that he received a proper send-off, and any future hook-up of his is getting a fully cooked man who could find the clitoris like a needle in a haystack.
I’ve had a long-standing theory that men who have been in relationships are better at giving head.
It’s far from easy for women to communicate their needs during sex, but it becomes more comfortable once you’re in a trusting relationship. And if a girl is ready to commit to one guy, I’m guessing she’s also committed to making sure he knows exactly how to satisfy her. Unless she’s a magical unicorn who can finish from penetration, I would place money on the fact that guys who have had girlfriends are simply better at giving head.
Or so, I thought…
A recent hook-up seemed promising: Real bed frame, great banter, and newly single. Since I’m in my emotionally unavailable era, I was just looking for was some yummy consensual sex, and he seemed to be up for the task. That is, until he stuck his head under the covers and decided to thrash his tongue around like a confused snake. There was no rhythm, too much aggression, and the vibe was totally off. He was the Jojo Siwa of eating pussy! (Is that offensive? She seems nice! I just know she has that song that everyone hates.)
As I stared up at his ceiling, my first thought was to have sympathy for the ex-girlfriend of STB (Snake Tongue Boy). That poor girl had a tongue basically motor-boating her vag for their whole relationship! There’s no way she liked that, right? But my second thought was, how could she do this to me?
Of course, I could have just spoken up in that moment and directed STB like I had my ex-boyfriend. But I didn’t know him well, and I felt nervous that he would feel criticized or embarrassed if I stopped him in his tracks. So, I went along with it and mentally decided that I would bring my vibrator the next time we hung out.
But you know what? Enough of that. That energy is soooo not 2024. Why am I prioritizing this man’s ego above my own pleasure? The next time we hung out, I decided to leave my vibrator at home and instead brought my voice. And while I definitely shouldn’t be blaming the ex-girlfriend — if anyone’s at fault, it’s society for making women feel that they are simply an object in sex meant to serve the man — it is up to us girls to seek out our own pleasure.
So, I’m introducing a new girl code proposal.
Let’s teach our boyfriends how to give head. But let’s also teach our hook-ups! Let’s educate the men around the world for ourselves, and also for the girls. This is the newest item of girl code: No faking orgasms, no putting up with snake tongue, no staying quiet. Try to do it for yourself, if you can, because you deserve to have your insides tingle with delight! But if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the girls. That man might make his way to me someday, and I’d prefer for him to come ready.
Don’t forget to say your daily affirmations!
“Yes, right there!”
“A little to the left.”
“Slow down. This is a marathon, not a sprint.”
“Do that in circles.”
“Lighter. Lighter. LIGHTER!”
IYKYK XOXO,
Mia <3
