20 things I learned from having sex with 20 people

Body count reveal!!!

I’m not usually someone who keeps track of how many people I’ve hooked up with. When I was younger, it was easier, of course. I didn’t have to count to know that I’d only had sex with one or two or three people. But once I hit double digits, I stopped counting—and also stopped caring. 

Before I lost my virginity, I was never worried about having sex with too many people. I was far more concerned with doing it enough. So when I hit what felt like a “sufficient” number—six, maybe seven or eight—I was satisfied to stop keeping track. That is, until recently, when I had the most sexually active year of my life and simultaneously got slut-shamed by hundreds of incel men on the internet. I started thinking, what is my actual number? And do I need to start worrying about it getting too high?

So, I did the math and landed on twenty. I don't know what your guess would have been—but I thought it was lower. It’s hard to say if twenty is really a lot or a little in the grand scheme of things. To fifteen-year-old Mia, it would have felt like a lot. But in comparison to the men on Love Island, it’s the tiniest number imaginable.

There’s certainly a part of me that feels ashamed about it, that feels like the men in my comments who say I’m a “sperm bucket” or “damaged goods” aren’t wrong. But that’s because I’m human, not because they’re actually right. Your body count—whether it’s zero or a hundred—doesn’t determine your worth as a person or a partner or a woman.

There are more than a few men on that list that I wish I could scrub away or times I could take back. But I learned something with every experience, and I’d love to be able to share that with you.

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20 things I learned from having sex with 20 people

1. Sex isn’t supposed to hurt. Like, at all. Sometimes it hurts a bit when he first goes in, and that part can hurt more when it’s your first time or you haven’t had sex in a while, but it should become enjoyable very quickly. If it’s painful, it’s your body telling you that you don’t want to be having sex right now (OR it’s a sign that you may be suffering from TP (Tight Pussy) and you should chat with your gyno.) I can’t tell you how many times I pushed through painful sex because I thought it was normal and didn’t want to speak up—NEVER AGAIN LADIES!

2. If you’re not getting wet, there’s a reason. This goes along with number 1. Lube is great and super helpful, but if your vagina is bone dry without?? You’re probably not turned on enough. Again, there could be medical conditions that come into play, but otherwise, if your vag isn’t producing its juices, your body is sending you a message: “I’m not horny! Don’t have sex yet!”

3. Sometimes the best sex is the least kinky. I’m all for getting creative during sex, but I’ve found that in some cases, bringing out all the bells and whistles can be a way to overcompensate for a lack of chemistry. IMO, nothing beats some vanilla ass shit with someone who really turns you on.

4. You should pretty much never have sex when you’re drunk. It’s just waaaayyy too blurry when it comes to consent, and the sex will probably suck anyways.

5. But high sex is lowkey the best thing ever. The sensory experience is off the freakin charts. Obvi this is a situation to be cautious re: consent. In my personal experience, I find that I’m way more centered and in my right mind while on a little edible than I am when drunk. That’s just me!

6. The key to the best blowjob comes from Ms. Frizzle. “Make mistakes, take chances, get messy!” In other words, have fun, be playful, and the wetter, the better.

7. Sex is better when you have feelings for each other (unfortunately). This isn’t always the case—sometimes you can be in love and the sex sucks, sometimes one night stands can rock your world—but most of the time, being super into someone makes sex better. Huge bummer alert!

8. You’re going to have to train most men to make you orgasm. Unless they’ve arrived pre-trained. Don’t be afraid to take the reins and tell them what you need—they probably won’t know unless you say it!

9. Don’t ever go condom-less with a rando. I’ve certainly done it. I’m not above it. But learn from my mistakes and don’t go down that road. Not only will you probably be super anxious the next day, the gratification of sex that one time is never worth it.

10. Plan B sucks, but it’s not as bad as the alternative. Speaking off going condom-less…don’t be afraid to bite the bullet and take Plan B. If you go through your doctor, they can often make it less expensive for you, too. I’ve taken it twice and had only mild symptoms both times!

11. Having sex with someone won’t make them like you. Sure, it could bring you closer and it’s possible they’ll catch feelings. But it’s not a guarantee.

12. But having sex with someone might make you like them. At least, if you’re someone like me whose love language is physical touch and could romanticize a frog. Proceed with caution.

13. A lot of guys are going to have trouble getting (and staying) hard. It’s not about you. It doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to you. It’s just a common thing that will probably cross your path if you’re banging a fair amount of boys. The best way to respond is to not shame them for it, see if you can help them along, and suggest they go down on you instead! Win win! 

14. Sex is the definition of instant gratification. It’s a bandaid, a fun time, or a sweet second of feeling good. But it’s not a permanent solution to loneliness or insecurity. 

15. Spit or swallow shouldn’t be a debate. You’ve already put your mouth on his genitals! Just swallow, queen! It’s honestly not that gross. What’s more gross is letting it enter your mouth and then spitting it out. At that point, the deed is done.

16. No one cares what you look like during sex. Dripping wet? Back rolls during doggy? Couldn’t matter less! The sensations of sex always take over and no one is thinking about whether the other party has razor burn.

17. Period sex is kind of awesome. The blood is basically just extra lube, and women tend to be extra horny that time of the month. If a guy is anti-period sex, he is lame and immature.

18. Faking an orgasm will get you nowhere. But saying “you’re so big” to every penis never hurt anyone.

19. You don’t owe anyone sex. He paid for your drinks? He walked you home? He’s in your bed? He’s literally inside of you? You can always tell that man goodbye. There is no situation where you owe anyone sex—it could be a man you’ve known for twenty minutes or your husband of twenty years and it doesn’t matter.

20. Butt stuff isn’t just enjoyable for men. I literally had no idea. I thought that anal was for gay men or straight guys who wanted to torture women and feel like they had huge dicks. That is, until I had my very first finger in my butt and I never looked back.