Asking for head, & 16 other things that only girls can do

#4: Requesting a female masseuse. Men should go to jail for that.

Listen.

I’m a proud feminist, which means I’m after equality for all genders. But it’s that sentiment exactly that makes me believe that in a lot of areas, women need an extra push—maybe even a hard shove—to get close to the playing field that men jerk off on. We live in a patriarchy that serves its creators, so it’s crucial that the rest of us back ourselves and claim our stake. Unapologetically.

For 26 years, I’ve lived in one big boys club filled with lots of other mini ones (Earth being the big one, and things like cigar lounges or corporate America or bowling leagues being the mini ones.) In this boys club that we call the world, there is an infinite amount of things that are seen* as specifically for men—some of these are spoken, some are unspoken. (*Key word: seen. Because while these can be experienced by anyone, they are undeniably socially gendered, which has repercussions.)

Spoken: Fantasy football, or just plain football. Working in finance (i.e. financial literacy, i.e. being rich). Whiskey (gross, you can have it). Watches, clothes with pockets. Cars, crypto, golf.

Unspoken: Being a start-up founder for something fake. Unfounded confidence. Taking up lots of space (metaphorically, spiritually, physically. See: Timothee Chalamet at the Knicks sitting next to Tina Fey.) Saying “I’m just logical,” to avoid being empathetic. Being president (of a club, of a team, of the United States, etc.)

You might be thinking, but wait, Mia! There are also some of these that exist for women! Oh, yeah? Let’s take a look at those—the things that society sees* as exclusive to women (*Key word: sees. Because while these can be experienced by anyone, they are undeniably socially gendered, which has repercussions.)

Eating disorders, sexual assault (receiving end). Expensive haircuts. Historically under-paid jobs like being a teacher or nurse. The wellness/self-care industry (i.e diet culture, products to “fix” problems you didn’t know about). Emotional labor, reproductive labor, household labor.

The difference could be spotted by a pea-brained mouse. We have literally such a terrible list! So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make a brand new, much better roster of what I believe should be considered exclusive to women—and it’s only the really good, really fun stuff. It’s our turn to socially gender some things that are awesome and poo poo on men who try to join our thirst-trap-posting charcuterie-board-making ball-bunting Girls Club.

17 Things That Are Only For Girls BCUZ I Just Decided That

1. Asking someone to go down on you. If you’re a girl—she’s hot, she knows what she wants, she historically gets less head and is paving the way for other vaginas. If it’s a guy—literally ew, like I was gonna do it but now that you asked it’s weird.

2. While we’re on the topic, just plain not giving head. Girlies, you don’t want to suck a penis? Valid queen! Boys, you don’t want to taste the V? You’re an immature baby who thinks vaginas are gross. Did you forget what you came out of, babe???

3. Charcuterie boards. Men I’m sorry but you don’t deserve little cheese arrangements. I feel like you’d do something gross and add like string cheese or ketchup. Exceptions are chefs, and obviously gay men. Consider gay men exempt from this whole list.

4. Requesting a female masseuse. If a man in my circle were to ever request a female masseuse I think I would suggest he go to jail for being a pervert.

5. Complaining that Hinge is bad. Honestly, I think the whole genre of saying that dating sucks is for women only. Who are you complaining about? It can’t be me and my girls???

6. Being double-jointed. I really don’t want to see you bend like that.

7. THE BOOTH SEAT. Girls get the booth. Need I say more? Actually I will say more. Our backs literally hurt from carrying around breasts and nice booties and the weight of the world and probably this conversation. We need the booth.

8. Having an opinion about how many kids you want. You think you’re having FOUR kids? Out of WHOSE vagina, Chris??

9. Posting on TikTok. Only exception is this adorable boy who shares updates about his 70-year-old hispanic roommate named Aleyda. I love you so much. Everyone else can fuck off.

10. Blacking out. A girl gets fucked up and cries about how much she loves her friends. A boy blacks out and pees on your plant. We are not the same.

11. Having an opinion on period sex. That is up to me and the tampon that I left in for too long.

12. Reading for pleasure. I want my men only reading to think about what they’ve done. Books on racism, sexism, homophobia. Or at least books about something adjacently helpful to the world or me, like science or history or language. BE USEFUL.

13. Bunting the ball in sports. Sorry, but my culture is not your costume!!

14. Wanting someone to shave. There is nothing possibly more rude or degrading than a man thinking it’s his right to expect me to be clean shaven. However, if I’m trying to give him a blowjob and it’s like sifting through a forest—it just makes sense to offer feedback.

15. Having a celebrity crush. I don’t care that you think Margot Robbie and Dua Lipa are hot. Why are we entertaining such far off fantasies? On the other hand, I genuinely think that if Niall Horan sat down with me, we would click and he’d be obsessed.

16. Posting thirst traps. Are you a whore?

17. Murder. LMK why female murder is kind of iconic to me. Like, good job not being a people pleaser! You know what, I bet you really needed that today.