I’d guess that it was the ‘I’m a little slutty’ line. If a guy’s looking for a long term relationship one of the things he’s going to want most is someone he can trust to be faithful. If you’ve basically told him on the first date that sex isn’t that big of a deal to you then that’s a trust hurdle he’s going to have to get over, and my guess is he didn’t want to or wasn’t willing to try. Ultimately your body count is your business, I have never asked a woman hers and I never would (and I know my wife’s a lot higher than mine), but when you volunteer the information…I probably wouldn’t do that.
As a rule men or women who sleep around a lot tend to be more unhappy than average which is a big red flag. But it is regarded by women as less of a red flag because for a man to be able to sleep around he must be somewhat attractive, whereas for a women to do so, she merely needs to be available
I think everyone is slowly being surprised that most men prefer no sex over marrying promiscuous women the same way everyone was surprised most women prefer no sex over sex with men that they don't consider extraordinary in some way.
Sure, not necessarily, but to be slutty implies a certain disconnection between sex and emotion, and if you're looking for a long term partner you're going to want there to be a strong sexual-emotional connection. Not to mention people (men and women) who have had more than five partners are about twice as likely to cheat (21% vs 11%) than those who have had fewer. So it's pretty rational to avoid slutty women when you're looking for a wife.
Stats lie and these ones are not well founded anyway just well circulated. I would recommend reading sex at dawn, the way of the superior man and to round it out if you want to be a good lover or as a woman know your body even better the book women’s anatomy of pleasure.
The problem for men is that we don't know if the kid you are carrying in your belly is ours or not. You do. We don't. We don't want to commit our time and money to some kid who may not be ours. Of the men that obtained paternity DNA tests, 30% were not the fathers. That is a staggering amount of cheating and represents the ultimate betrayal.
I don't expect that you would understand because you always know who the father is. So this is of little concern to you. But to men it is a massive risk to wife up a slut
Those are results that almost certainly get skewed by the couple reaching a place of requiring the paternity test in the first place. Like it’s not 30% of all relationships, and I’ve met very few people who decided to test the paternity (outside of the circus that was Maury Povich). The fact that, of the relationships where this becomes THAT big of a concern, the majority are still worried over nothing. It’s a minority within a minority
That is not a small number of men who would have been cheated into raising someone else's spawn. You minimize the consequences of this, but to men, raising someone else's seed is tantamount to rape for a woman. In fact I would rather be raped than raise another man's kid. With rape it's over in a few minutes. With paternity fraud it is a lifetime sentence. It is deeply disturbing to spend a lifetime and hundreds of thousands of dollars to be deceived in the most heinous of ways.
I believe you’re onto something when you write that the “I’m a little slutty” line was probably more of a deciding factor than the fact that they slept together on the ‘first’ date.
However, I can’t support your encouragement for her to be dishonest by omission. Despite the blatant dismissal by many other commenters, men not only want what they want but their desires are at least as legitimate as those of women, given that the bulk of the relationship burden will be on men.
Also, I take the OP’s query at face value; therefore I assume she really does want to know if she’s in a doom loop and would also therefore want feedback about how to get out of it.
Being a slut is fun, but instead of cheerleading it we are likely more loving to remind women that being a slut is a great short-term strategy but an almost-certain prescription for long-term loneliness, bitterness and generally poverty as well — because all the Grll Power folks won’t be there during the slut’s final few decades of absence of meaningful companionship.
I don't think it's incumbent upon people to air all their dirty laundry on a first date. I also don't think it's obligatory for anyone in a relationship, male or female, to rehash their entire sexual history with their partner, though I also don't think they should be dishonest about it. If your partner's body count is an issue for you then by all means bring it up and have that discussion, but be ready for the fallout if you choose to do so.
It’s more of if you feel a connection, weighing how important the questions answer is vs the risk of sabotaging a relationship by going for airing the dirty laundry early on.
Depends on the person’s specific priorities and personal red lines are
It's nothing to do with the "I'm a little slutty" line. A lot of men love a woman who can be a slut *for them*
It was her expressing the wish that she could "juggle multiple men at the same time" - neither sex will think someone's relationship material when they hear that. It's a massive red flag that there's a strong risk they'll cheat once they've got the psychological comfort of a relationship.
I also think men say they want a relationship to get sex. It’s a classic ploy, that’s why I usually wait them out. But I once had a man tell me, if you want to see who a man really is have sex with him. That stuck with me, I’m not advocating this approach but trust when a man shows you who he is and know you did nothing wrong being you. Dating after all is just a numbers game. It isn’t right until it’s right. Try not to make a story around it making yourself wrong. ❤️
Looks like he was the judgy type, so you wouldn’t have been happy with him. Losing someone who ultimately won’t be right for you early on is painful, but it’s better than finding out much later that you’re with someone who will never accept you as you are.
Here’s the brutal truth: men don’t want to settle down with sperm buckets. All the guys she’s been with are miles on the odometer. Used goods aren’t keepers.
As if men aren’t used up sperm spreaders with too many ‘miles on the odometer’? What an archaic way you have of thinking. To think only women are ‘used goods’. You have some Mommie issues you need to speak to a therapist about? I bet you were one of those men that had a goal of taking away the virginity of all the woman you could in your life to brag about it, but then when you want to settle down, you wanted a virgin? Yeah, I thought so. Men wrote and re-write the book so Being a Slut everyday because they have always been the epitome of a slut long before women were. Try to evolve past that dragging by the hair caveman mentality you have.
It’s not “archaic” at all. You apparently think that feminist college courses and media indoctrination will somehow eradicate the evolutionary disgust in males regarding women who have sex casually. Rendering one of the most sacred and intimate physical + spiritual relations—sex—that individuals can have with each other into a flippant and meaningless act is regressive. The path you preach has led to sky high divorce rates in the older generations and dying marriage rates for the younger generations.
Discipline and sacrifice in one’s sex life is good, actually, and hedonism is destructive and self-indulgent.
Men wrote and continue to write the book on being a slut. To think only women are promiscuous (sluts) is a Neanderthal mind way of thinking. A woman cannot be a ‘slut’ until a man has sex with her, so what does that say about the men?
Knew my comment was going to ruffle a few feathers but you’re reading a lot into my comment that isn’t even there; men shouldn’t be sleeping around any more than women should. What self-respecting woman wants a guy with VD? And “archaic” is the idea that sex is free/cheap/easy; that’s a relic from the 1960’s. It hurts both parties in the long run. And deflowering women was never on my agenda; I’m a Christian; I keep it in my pants & that keeps me out of trouble.
Won’t be the first time I’ve been called a “knuckle -dragging Neanderthal” & won’t be the last! ;<)
Men and women aren’t the same and don’t have the same expectations or tendencies.
The reality is, a few men are sleeping with a variety of women and a lot of men are sleeping zero women. Women are making the rules of dating and have been for a while, so this is obviously what they prefer.
I’m not sure if it’s what women actually prefer. In fact, the catastrophic levels of unhappiness and depression that so many women report suggests that they are miserable with the current arrangement. I think this “free sex” idiocy of the Boomer Sexual Revolution was massive indoctrination to the absolute detriment of both sexes.
The good news is that young men are coming back to Christianity and thus they will begin to sort themselves out. When this happens at scale then women will follow the lead of good men and sane sexual norms will re-emerge.
You can’t compare the sex that shoots the load to the sex that takes the load. The death cult of egalitarianism has addled the brains of those of us who believed in this men & women are the same when it comes to sex crap.
If I could take back one thing in my life it would be all the sterile sex I had with women thinking that they were just like me.
Wow. A bunch of would be prudes, guess there’s always a righteous contingent in the room. Frankly, sec is a very important part of a healthy marriage. Give me the slut wife every time, that just makes it my challenge to keep her happy.
Bizarre and honestly true cuckold comment to state that you would desire for your wife to have had sex with more dudes before you married her. A woman can have a high sex drive without having banged a bunch of dude.
As a neotraditional man it’s incumbent for me to spend my time and resources wisely. Dating (even without intention to marriage) takes a lot of emotional physical and potentially financial investment. Not to mention socialcapital /investment of our friend groups intermingle as is what often happens in committed relationships.Why on earth would I spend my valuable resources on a person who shares her physicality liberally with other parties for money? Better spend one resource 💰 to fuck a slut than all 3-4 resources dating or trying to build a family a slut. It goes without saying that women who are literally fucking whores make worse wives and mothers to children. But even dating one is hazardous. And also just to highlight the point and be crude. Their pussies stank and are looser than women who don’t partake in that profession. They have lost the war of attrition.
The first half of your statement I agree with. It’s important to find a partner that is a match for you financially, socially, and emotionally. These subjects are crucial for a healthy and functional relationship.
The other half of your response, I disagree with. The vagina is highly elastic. It would take physical trauma on par with giving birth to cause permanent/long term looseness. There’s also the factor of aging that plays into loss of tightness. Sexual intercourse, regardless of how frequently it occurs, has little impact tightness in the long term. It doesn’t take long for the vagina to rebound to its original form. As for smelliness, that’s either poor hygiene or a medical issue, which impacts every woman sexually active or not.
It seems you’re conflating sexual promiscuity with prostitution, since you use the word “profession.” It’s important to make that distinction, one has sex for the pleasure of it, the other for the financial gain. In my personal experience, mothers who are sex workers are often great parents. I’ve dated a woman who was a former prostitute and an active stripper. She did what she did because it was a secure method of earning good money. She didn’t want to stay in that position, she had dreams of being nurse, but that was what she was willing to put herself through for financial security for her kids. This brings me to my follow up question: What experiences have you had that color your perception of sexually promiscuous women?
I can't read his mind so who knows for sure, but what I will say is you saved yourself a few months (or heaven forbid, a lifetime) of arguing with a man over outdated expectations and unrealistic projections of an idealized woman ultimately designed to serve as an accessory to help him work through an insecurity he has not unpacked.
Dating is about intention, communication and integrity. If you're going to insist on "traditional" sexual values in dating, no shade, but you at least have to embody them. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
It's funny how he characterizes his actions as an "exception" but a woman taking the same level of agency over her body is a statement on her character.
Anyway, men like this don't change. What you wear, who you speak to, if your nails are done, blah blah blah, it all becomes part of the equation. You're better off. But also, this was a great read and I thank you for sharing it <3
Let me ask you this question: when you said you were a slut, what did you mean?
Because if you mean that you are a lusty bed partner, you should probably say that you love sex and want it frequently - and one man is enough for you.
If by ‘slut’ you mean ethical non-monogamy and polycules or an anarchic sexuality, then say so, too.
His ‘long-term relationship’ desire is pair-bond coded. Having a faithful and lusty partner, who only has eyes for you, is not an edge case. It’s pretty typical.
When he asked if you juggled multiple men, he’s trying to ascertain directly the future likelihood of your infidelity.
When you said you were a ‘slut’, that coded as approaching the world vagina-first, and riding whomever catches your fancy.
Fun times. Bring that girl to every orgy, but maybe we don’t bring that girl to meet Mom.
I had the same question, the lack of rapport really hurt their chances here. Sometimes we have one meaning for a phrase or word and those same phrases or words have a completely different meaning to someone else.
People’s past behavior is a good way to predict their future behavior. If you don’t like that people judge you by your past, too bad. All the rest is rationalization for why it indicates they are a bad person instead of just realizing that men are allowed to have standards and expectations too, and they aren’t going to be the same as yours.
Who said he was a bad person? All I said was she saved herself from entering a dynamic whereby the expectations set would be unrealistic.
If you want a traditional sexual partnership, be traditional. If you want to be sexually casual, the partners you engage with, by definition, will have engaged in casual sex. There’s nothing wrong with any of these approaches. It’s just a question of compatibility of wants and needs.
A person who condemns someone for the very activity they are in the middle of engaging in isn’t taking issue with the activity itself, but something deeper. And whatever that deeper thing is, isn’t really her journey to figure out.
Everyone is allowed to have standards and expectations. All anyone is asking is that you bring the energy you are demanding from others.
“…over outdated expectations and unrealistic projections of an idealized woman ultimately designed to serve as an accessory to help him work through an insecurity he has not unpacked.”
Yeah sure, you didn’t think he was a bad person.
As to the expectations regarding activity he is engaged in: you have standards for your partner that you do not meet. You expect your partner to be a different person from you, and men also have expectations that they don’t themselves meet, because they don’t want to date themselves.
I stand by that. I don't think he is a bad person. The full context of the comment is that she saved herself months of arguing about those outdated and unrealistic projections. I think people are getting caught up on my use of the word "outdated". It's not outdated to have traditional sexual values. It is outdated to expect consenting adults with full agency to conform to a set of behaviors.
It is a fool's errand to enter into a sexually casual relationship with someone and then be angry when that person, surprise surprise, has had other sexually casual relationships in the past. (What do you mean this library rents out books to other people? You wanton literary wenches!)
If this man were to have done that, it would mirror the many relationships in which people date someone and use them as an ideal or a trophy or some sort of substitution to work through a sense of inferiority. There are people who begin to fixate on what their partner is wearing, who they speak to, how they comport themselves, rather than figure out what it is they need this person to be to them and why.
To this man's credit, he didn't do that. He disengaged. So yeah, she's better off. He's better off. This was a good ending.
Your second paragraph is just a difference in worldview. If you have managed to find an example of a sustainable relationship whereby a person has expectations they cannot themselves meet and their partner doesn't resent them for it over time, kudos.
I think you misunderstand or misrepresent the thought process of men (e.g. angry); men aren’t angry, but neither are they willing to have a long term relationship. People who want to buy pristine new books do not buy them from the library, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to read library books. By sleeping with men quickly, you show that you are rental not purchase material, and men don’t hate sluts, they just don’t want to marry them, the same way you don’t hate library books because you’d rather buy new.
I hesitated to use the library metaphor because even though it's fire, I knew I was going to walk right into a comment like this. That's on me, I handed you the lay up.
That being said, we can't compare literal sentient beings to objects, it just doesn't translate the human experience well. So let's take a step back.
All of these things are heuristics. We love packing people into little categories and making grand sweeping statements about behavior, because it's easier. It helps us understand the rules of engagement in the world.
But the truth is:
- people with colorful sexual pasts can go on to be loyal monogamous partners
- people who have never engaged in sexual activity can go on to be extremely sexual partners (even with people other than you)
- women are people (thought I'd add that one just in case)
- some people care about their partner's sexual past
- some people couldn't care less (including men)
The point is to find a person who aligns with your view on it. This man didn't seem align with hers (based on what we know, we only have her account). No one is a bad person. Everyone goes home. This is a happy ending.
Also, I may need to disengage with this thread at some point, I have pilates this evening and if I am going to bend over backwards, I'd rather do it there.
Why don’t you help those men overcome their insecurity by making them part of the slut making process?
Why is some men’s only option is a serious long term relationship and not casual sex? Thats where the insecurity and the aversion to seriously dating sluts stems from
The article asks why men are averse to (seriously) dating and marrying “sluts”.
My question is, if I’m a man who’s unwanted by women who seek and enjoy casual sex, and my only option is a long term relationship, why would I seek that long term relationship with a group of women who don’t find me desirable enough for casual sex?
That’s exactly my point. No one’s conditioning men to do anything. She can’t change him. He can’t change her. But her boundaries and his aren’t compatible. So everyone’s better off with this ending. My second comment was more in response to the comment that somehow women can help men work through their insecurities. It just doesn’t work that way. Again, I don’t know if he’s insecure, I don’t know this man. But a lot of people (not just men) project things onto potential partners that have nothing to do with the person in front of them. And if that’s what happened, the premature ending is a blessing in disguise.
Unpacking and facing one’s past, trying to figure out whose voice is saying all of these things, what behaviors and thoughts we developed as a survival mechanism (because at one point, they were of use to us), can only really be done by oneself.
And that’s true of men and women. We cannot save each other, we cannot “fix” each other (whatever that means). We can be a salve to people, a holding hand as they navigate the journey themselves, but we cannot do the work for one another.
It’s fine to have preferences. Plenty of people save sexual relationships until marriage. What isn’t fine is imposing those beliefs and preferences onto other people, particularly if you yourself don’t embody them.
I’ll do you one further. There’s no such thing as a “slut” (I say this as someone who used that word a lot in adolescence). People are people. They are complex and unique individuals. Some engage in frequent sexual relationships, others do not. Those relationships are not something you are, but something you do.
To your first point (if I may be so crude), you can’t fuck someone into liking themselves. Many have tried; most will continue; all will fail. It isn’t the same thing as the deep introspective work of coming to terms with who we are as a person. And I’m not standing on a soap box, I’m still working through it too.
Tbh, I don’t know where this is going, hope you enjoyed my TED talk. ✌🏼
The article asks why men are averse to (seriously) dating and marrying “sluts”.
My question is, if I’m a man who’s unwanted by women seeking casual sex and my only option is a long term relationship, why would I seek that long term relationship with a group of women who don’t find me desirable enough for casual sex?
I think there's a lot there that I can't unpack for you on an app that's supposed to be about pixie dust and writing for the lolz.
Your comment categorizes people too broadly. People are complex, three-dimensional beings. No one person can be defined by their behavior (because it can change tomorrow) or their desires (because those are apt to change). The slut thing in the title is honestly just good marketing, because we're all pushing her metrics through the roof and I respect that hustle.
If you decide that you are wholly undesirable to every single woman on Planet Earth seeking a casual fling, then it's self fulfilling. Are there men and women who attract more people? Yeah. It be like that. 🤷🏻♀️ But there's 8 billion people in the world. Sometimes you have to just keep meeting people and adjust your approach. Good luck, fellow substacker. ✌🏼
I’m just saying that women’s standards for men’s looks and physical attraction for casual sex are immensely higher than for long term relationships and marriage. Most men are not good looking/hot enough to be considered for casual sex, hookups, flings, and FwB situations. For most men their only option is therefore to have sex in a long term relationship.
This kind of duality is alien to men. We are either attracted to a woman or we’re not. We don’t have a higher set of physical beauty standards for women for recreational no strings sex.
As a man I have a need for consistency. I have a sense of loyalty to myself. It’s not possible for me to sincerely emotionally invest in a woman who considers me too inferior for casual sex (provided she has been having casual sex with a physically superior group of men).
The best thing I can do is look for women who were averse to casual sex and only had sex within serious relationships so we can be on the same page.
I’m just saying that women’s standards for men’s looks and physical attraction for casual sex are immensely higher than for long term relationships and marriage. Most men are not good looking/hot enough to be considered for casual sex, hookups, flings, and FwB situations. For most men their only option is therefore to have sex in a long term relationship.
Like many mediocre looking men, I have made the cut for serious relationships for several women over the years. I have never made the cut for the hookup, casual fling or the fuck buddy. The standards are different.
This kind of duality is alien to men. We are either attracted to a woman or we’re not. We don’t have a higher set of physical beauty standards for women for recreational no strings sex.
As a man I have a need for consistency. I have a sense of loyalty to myself. It’s not possible for me to sincerely emotionally invest in a woman who considers me too inferior for casual sex (provided she has been having casual sex with a physically superior group of men).
The best thing I can do is look for women who were averse to casual sex and only had sex within serious relationships so we can be on the same page.
Nah, I love a yap, I've never sat in an echo chamber for long. To be honest, I am having a pretty good time engaging with everyone on here (I hope the sentiment is the same 👀).
But yeah. The outdated comment was more towards the hypothetical situation she could have landed in whereby this person, who doesn't view sex with the same attitude, expected her to conform to an ideal of a woman they had in their head. The ideal person doesn't exist. You can't change people to fit an idea you have in your head. Thankfully, that's not what happened.
To play devil's advocate for a second, it's hard to say he was looking for someone with a "similar" attitude, when he was being just as slutty. There are plenty of traditional men out there (to the mockery of their peers, sadly), who have vowed to engage in sexual activity only after marriage. When someone like that says they don't want a partner who engages in casual sexual activity, most people's reaction is one of understanding.
But when you make that argument after sharing a stranger's bed, it just takes the wind out of the sails.
Either way, this was a good ending for all. They are not compatible.
I agree with your conclusion if the issue was about her being slutty, but it seems odd to interpret the man based on what the author thought. I think everyone is agreeing with the author's conclusion because they're projecting. I think it's more fair to focus on what he said. He asked, “Do you ever juggle multiple guys at once?”, and she said, "Honestly, I wish I could". I think his issue is that he interpreted her response as meaning she's polyamorous (I did too). Don't get me wrong, if I was her I wouldn't wanna date the guy either, but that's because he's having casual sex :D
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PS: I don't think I have to explain why a promiscuous person is fair in not wanting to be with a polyamorous person, but if you disagree, I'll put a few reasons just in case.
Ignoring my traditional principles, there are reasons not to date someone polyamorous. One, poly relationships are unstable, (90% divorce rate after 8 years). Two, people who want poly relationships are more likely to be, "mentally ill". I don't like the phrase but I can't find anything better. You might not mind dating one of them, and in many cases, I don't either, as I believe people are diagnosed with "mental illness'" because they deviate enough from the statistical norms. I'm basically quoting Jung, THE important psychology guy. Finally, three, (this ones more of an opinion), sex is an intrinsically intimate act, and it makes people in a civil unions more connected. If in a civil union, one member has sex with people outside, it makes them get intimate attachment with others, and this makes them less committed to their partner when there's a fight (which I hear always happen), leading to divorce... wait a minute...this is coming full circle, it's almost like all these reasons are largely caused by each other :O
Not every man will bother inquiring into your past; some have themselves been around the block a number have times, others would simply rather not know.
No man wants to date -- and potentially marry -- a "sex writer" who writes publicly on the internet about her sex life for others to read and comment on. The flagrant lack of discretion is alarming because it suggests nothing would be private or intimate, sex or otherwise...and that is not tenable in the context of a marriage.
I think you have the causation backwards. He didn’t decide you weren’t long-term dating material because you had sex on the first date; he was willing to have sex with you on the first date because he already decided you weren’t long-term dating material.
Men who ask the questions he was asking usually want to get married within two years. Saying you were dating without expectations showed you weren’t looking to get married within 2 years. I would bet your answers to all the other questions, like how you see working in a relationship, also made him realize that. Once you called yourself a slut, you just confirmed to him that you are not the one.
The main reason for the no sex on the first date rule is that it helps build long term relationships. Once he knew that wasn’t in the cards, he let how attracted to you he was take over. Seeing you again next week will make it take longer to get married, since he knows you’re not the one, but having sex with you that night did nothing to delay his plans.
The two of you were looking for different things. Once you’re looking to get married, answer the questions differently. You can say you were a slut, but no one wants to marry an active slut, unless they’re polyamorous.
That’s likely the right answer. It wasn’t any one thing, but a number of things that made him think you two weren’t a match, starting with the “dating without expectations”. If he is at all honest about usually not sleeping on the first date, then by the time he slept with you (so, before the slut comment), he’s already decided you’re not the one.
It’s not that sluts can’t be wives. But you two are not in the same headspace. When my husband and I met, we were BOTH where you are headspace-wise. We got together and saw what happened. The difference is, we grew together. Growing together is a thing that can happen to couples even if they were initially not serious. But one would never *recommend* a clearly marriage minded person go for someone who is not serious.
It’s not because you had sex, it’s because you said you were slutty. Men don’t want a wife who’s been shagged by everyone in town.
If I was you I would introspect about exactly why you want to be a self-described slut? What is in it for you? Where do these desires come from? It absolutely will make men think worse of you as someone to get married to.
I came across this because it popped up in my feed but all I can say is, as a grown ass man, I feel bad for y'all having to deal with these childish, insecure dudes. The comment section is runnin' wild with misogyny.
It’s wild how libs constantly try to fight against nature. Men should be indifferent to slutty behavior in spouses, women and men are completely interchangeable and have no biological differences, men can become women and then they are *real women*, children should be able to castrate themselves at an age when they think Santa Claus is real, it’s never ending.
Check your T levels and touch grass. The sky is blue, men are men and women are women, sluttiness is not a virtue.
I think the issue is that you mentioned “you’re a little slutty.” In his mind that probably means okay she’s slept around a lot since you even mentioned it in the first place.
The issue is that I don’t think women realize that this stuff works on an almost primal level for men. An example from a girls perspective would be a man who is overly emotional and can’t get anything done. As soon as there’s a minor issue like a flat tire he’s having a panic attack and looking to you for what to do.
The same is for men and sluts. It’s not society or learned behavior but definitely something more primal. A deep feeling of this would be a mistake if I got into a long term relationship with a promiscuous girl.
Probably WAS the “I’m a little slutty.” What exactly did you mean by that? Does first date sex make you that? I don’t think so. You even said you don’t juggle lovers but concentrate on one at a time. The only slutty thing you said was wishing you could juggle, so you really only aspire to sluttitude. Guess that could be the “a little.”
Sounds like he was looking for a little wifey and you were insufficiently Madonna-like (Jeebus’s mom, not the 80s icon). You didn’t rave about the sex, but first time with someone is not always as good as might be. At any rate I think you dodged a bullet and hope you meet someone who will embrace you 100%. 99…and a half, jus’ won’t do.
I don’t think the “a little slutty” part was the problem - at least, not on its own. Before that you said that you didn’t juggle multiple men, but you wish you could. That’s not good news for him. From his perspective, what if a few months from now, you figure out how to do that? He’s telling you he wants something long-term, and you answered with the same, but there’s a risk of that changing suddenly, and in humiliating fashion.
You’re a little slutty? That’s great, the two of you can explore that. But if his goal is to be one of one while you wish deep down he was just one of many, that’s a dealbreaker.
Is that even what you want? The fact that we’re all here trying to parse this suggests that maybe it isn’t. If you aren’t sure what you’re after, no man (or gaggle of men) can bring you satisfaction.
I’d guess that it was the ‘I’m a little slutty’ line. If a guy’s looking for a long term relationship one of the things he’s going to want most is someone he can trust to be faithful. If you’ve basically told him on the first date that sex isn’t that big of a deal to you then that’s a trust hurdle he’s going to have to get over, and my guess is he didn’t want to or wasn’t willing to try. Ultimately your body count is your business, I have never asked a woman hers and I never would (and I know my wife’s a lot higher than mine), but when you volunteer the information…I probably wouldn’t do that.
As a rule men or women who sleep around a lot tend to be more unhappy than average which is a big red flag. But it is regarded by women as less of a red flag because for a man to be able to sleep around he must be somewhat attractive, whereas for a women to do so, she merely needs to be available
I’m sorry but I don’t really follow your comment beyond that it appears to be non sequitur to mine. All the best, however.
I think everyone is slowly being surprised that most men prefer no sex over marrying promiscuous women the same way everyone was surprised most women prefer no sex over sex with men that they don't consider extraordinary in some way.
That’s a pretty astute observation
being a little slutty ≠ not being faithful
Sure, not necessarily, but to be slutty implies a certain disconnection between sex and emotion, and if you're looking for a long term partner you're going to want there to be a strong sexual-emotional connection. Not to mention people (men and women) who have had more than five partners are about twice as likely to cheat (21% vs 11%) than those who have had fewer. So it's pretty rational to avoid slutty women when you're looking for a wife.
Stats lie and these ones are not well founded anyway just well circulated. I would recommend reading sex at dawn, the way of the superior man and to round it out if you want to be a good lover or as a woman know your body even better the book women’s anatomy of pleasure.
The problem for men is that we don't know if the kid you are carrying in your belly is ours or not. You do. We don't. We don't want to commit our time and money to some kid who may not be ours. Of the men that obtained paternity DNA tests, 30% were not the fathers. That is a staggering amount of cheating and represents the ultimate betrayal.
I don't expect that you would understand because you always know who the father is. So this is of little concern to you. But to men it is a massive risk to wife up a slut
Those are results that almost certainly get skewed by the couple reaching a place of requiring the paternity test in the first place. Like it’s not 30% of all relationships, and I’ve met very few people who decided to test the paternity (outside of the circus that was Maury Povich). The fact that, of the relationships where this becomes THAT big of a concern, the majority are still worried over nothing. It’s a minority within a minority
That is not a small number of men who would have been cheated into raising someone else's spawn. You minimize the consequences of this, but to men, raising someone else's seed is tantamount to rape for a woman. In fact I would rather be raped than raise another man's kid. With rape it's over in a few minutes. With paternity fraud it is a lifetime sentence. It is deeply disturbing to spend a lifetime and hundreds of thousands of dollars to be deceived in the most heinous of ways.
Like ordinary people might disagree here
Expressing a desire to juggle multiple partners at once == likely not to be faithful
Nonmonogmy != infidelity
It’s extremely important to find a mate who likes sex. Guys, never judge a woman harshly who gives you sex, it’s a blessing.
You’re still incompatible with men who are/were never slutty
I believe you’re onto something when you write that the “I’m a little slutty” line was probably more of a deciding factor than the fact that they slept together on the ‘first’ date.
However, I can’t support your encouragement for her to be dishonest by omission. Despite the blatant dismissal by many other commenters, men not only want what they want but their desires are at least as legitimate as those of women, given that the bulk of the relationship burden will be on men.
Also, I take the OP’s query at face value; therefore I assume she really does want to know if she’s in a doom loop and would also therefore want feedback about how to get out of it.
Being a slut is fun, but instead of cheerleading it we are likely more loving to remind women that being a slut is a great short-term strategy but an almost-certain prescription for long-term loneliness, bitterness and generally poverty as well — because all the Grll Power folks won’t be there during the slut’s final few decades of absence of meaningful companionship.
I don't think it's incumbent upon people to air all their dirty laundry on a first date. I also don't think it's obligatory for anyone in a relationship, male or female, to rehash their entire sexual history with their partner, though I also don't think they should be dishonest about it. If your partner's body count is an issue for you then by all means bring it up and have that discussion, but be ready for the fallout if you choose to do so.
What would you constitute being fallout?
Her being really angry at your for using her sexual past to judge her present commitment to you.
Why should a man ever feel compelled to avoid a woman being angry?
Why should anyone ever bother trying not to make someone else feel bad?
It’s more of if you feel a connection, weighing how important the questions answer is vs the risk of sabotaging a relationship by going for airing the dirty laundry early on.
Depends on the person’s specific priorities and personal red lines are
It's nothing to do with the "I'm a little slutty" line. A lot of men love a woman who can be a slut *for them*
It was her expressing the wish that she could "juggle multiple men at the same time" - neither sex will think someone's relationship material when they hear that. It's a massive red flag that there's a strong risk they'll cheat once they've got the psychological comfort of a relationship.
I also think men say they want a relationship to get sex. It’s a classic ploy, that’s why I usually wait them out. But I once had a man tell me, if you want to see who a man really is have sex with him. That stuck with me, I’m not advocating this approach but trust when a man shows you who he is and know you did nothing wrong being you. Dating after all is just a numbers game. It isn’t right until it’s right. Try not to make a story around it making yourself wrong. ❤️
Looks like he was the judgy type, so you wouldn’t have been happy with him. Losing someone who ultimately won’t be right for you early on is painful, but it’s better than finding out much later that you’re with someone who will never accept you as you are.
Sluts are for fucking not dating.
Here’s the brutal truth: men don’t want to settle down with sperm buckets. All the guys she’s been with are miles on the odometer. Used goods aren’t keepers.
As if men aren’t used up sperm spreaders with too many ‘miles on the odometer’? What an archaic way you have of thinking. To think only women are ‘used goods’. You have some Mommie issues you need to speak to a therapist about? I bet you were one of those men that had a goal of taking away the virginity of all the woman you could in your life to brag about it, but then when you want to settle down, you wanted a virgin? Yeah, I thought so. Men wrote and re-write the book so Being a Slut everyday because they have always been the epitome of a slut long before women were. Try to evolve past that dragging by the hair caveman mentality you have.
It’s not “archaic” at all. You apparently think that feminist college courses and media indoctrination will somehow eradicate the evolutionary disgust in males regarding women who have sex casually. Rendering one of the most sacred and intimate physical + spiritual relations—sex—that individuals can have with each other into a flippant and meaningless act is regressive. The path you preach has led to sky high divorce rates in the older generations and dying marriage rates for the younger generations.
Discipline and sacrifice in one’s sex life is good, actually, and hedonism is destructive and self-indulgent.
Stfu Lauren. Dude’s body count you can divide by two. Women, multiply by two. Women have the vagina and the leverage. This point is unassailable.
by her putting miles on the odometer do you mean she learned to fuck better? haha
Men wrote and continue to write the book on being a slut. To think only women are promiscuous (sluts) is a Neanderthal mind way of thinking. A woman cannot be a ‘slut’ until a man has sex with her, so what does that say about the men?
You can be angry and blame people but if you genuinely want an answer to the "why do men do this" question then you need to listen when we answer it.
Evergreen comment
Knew my comment was going to ruffle a few feathers but you’re reading a lot into my comment that isn’t even there; men shouldn’t be sleeping around any more than women should. What self-respecting woman wants a guy with VD? And “archaic” is the idea that sex is free/cheap/easy; that’s a relic from the 1960’s. It hurts both parties in the long run. And deflowering women was never on my agenda; I’m a Christian; I keep it in my pants & that keeps me out of trouble.
Won’t be the first time I’ve been called a “knuckle -dragging Neanderthal” & won’t be the last! ;<)
Men and women aren’t the same and don’t have the same expectations or tendencies.
The reality is, a few men are sleeping with a variety of women and a lot of men are sleeping zero women. Women are making the rules of dating and have been for a while, so this is obviously what they prefer.
I’m not sure if it’s what women actually prefer. In fact, the catastrophic levels of unhappiness and depression that so many women report suggests that they are miserable with the current arrangement. I think this “free sex” idiocy of the Boomer Sexual Revolution was massive indoctrination to the absolute detriment of both sexes.
The good news is that young men are coming back to Christianity and thus they will begin to sort themselves out. When this happens at scale then women will follow the lead of good men and sane sexual norms will re-emerge.
You can’t compare the sex that shoots the load to the sex that takes the load. The death cult of egalitarianism has addled the brains of those of us who believed in this men & women are the same when it comes to sex crap.
If I could take back one thing in my life it would be all the sterile sex I had with women thinking that they were just like me.
Wow. A bunch of would be prudes, guess there’s always a righteous contingent in the room. Frankly, sec is a very important part of a healthy marriage. Give me the slut wife every time, that just makes it my challenge to keep her happy.
Bizarre and honestly true cuckold comment to state that you would desire for your wife to have had sex with more dudes before you married her. A woman can have a high sex drive without having banged a bunch of dude.
You can have her, she'll be fucking me anyway LOL
Why is that?
As a neotraditional man it’s incumbent for me to spend my time and resources wisely. Dating (even without intention to marriage) takes a lot of emotional physical and potentially financial investment. Not to mention socialcapital /investment of our friend groups intermingle as is what often happens in committed relationships.Why on earth would I spend my valuable resources on a person who shares her physicality liberally with other parties for money? Better spend one resource 💰 to fuck a slut than all 3-4 resources dating or trying to build a family a slut. It goes without saying that women who are literally fucking whores make worse wives and mothers to children. But even dating one is hazardous. And also just to highlight the point and be crude. Their pussies stank and are looser than women who don’t partake in that profession. They have lost the war of attrition.
The first half of your statement I agree with. It’s important to find a partner that is a match for you financially, socially, and emotionally. These subjects are crucial for a healthy and functional relationship.
The other half of your response, I disagree with. The vagina is highly elastic. It would take physical trauma on par with giving birth to cause permanent/long term looseness. There’s also the factor of aging that plays into loss of tightness. Sexual intercourse, regardless of how frequently it occurs, has little impact tightness in the long term. It doesn’t take long for the vagina to rebound to its original form. As for smelliness, that’s either poor hygiene or a medical issue, which impacts every woman sexually active or not.
It seems you’re conflating sexual promiscuity with prostitution, since you use the word “profession.” It’s important to make that distinction, one has sex for the pleasure of it, the other for the financial gain. In my personal experience, mothers who are sex workers are often great parents. I’ve dated a woman who was a former prostitute and an active stripper. She did what she did because it was a secure method of earning good money. She didn’t want to stay in that position, she had dreams of being nurse, but that was what she was willing to put herself through for financial security for her kids. This brings me to my follow up question: What experiences have you had that color your perception of sexually promiscuous women?
I can't read his mind so who knows for sure, but what I will say is you saved yourself a few months (or heaven forbid, a lifetime) of arguing with a man over outdated expectations and unrealistic projections of an idealized woman ultimately designed to serve as an accessory to help him work through an insecurity he has not unpacked.
Dating is about intention, communication and integrity. If you're going to insist on "traditional" sexual values in dating, no shade, but you at least have to embody them. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
It's funny how he characterizes his actions as an "exception" but a woman taking the same level of agency over her body is a statement on her character.
Anyway, men like this don't change. What you wear, who you speak to, if your nails are done, blah blah blah, it all becomes part of the equation. You're better off. But also, this was a great read and I thank you for sharing it <3
Let me ask you this question: when you said you were a slut, what did you mean?
Because if you mean that you are a lusty bed partner, you should probably say that you love sex and want it frequently - and one man is enough for you.
If by ‘slut’ you mean ethical non-monogamy and polycules or an anarchic sexuality, then say so, too.
His ‘long-term relationship’ desire is pair-bond coded. Having a faithful and lusty partner, who only has eyes for you, is not an edge case. It’s pretty typical.
When he asked if you juggled multiple men, he’s trying to ascertain directly the future likelihood of your infidelity.
When you said you were a ‘slut’, that coded as approaching the world vagina-first, and riding whomever catches your fancy.
Fun times. Bring that girl to every orgy, but maybe we don’t bring that girl to meet Mom.
I think the word “slut” is not well defined. It’s not clear exactly what you meant or what he thought you meant.
I had the same question, the lack of rapport really hurt their chances here. Sometimes we have one meaning for a phrase or word and those same phrases or words have a completely different meaning to someone else.
People’s past behavior is a good way to predict their future behavior. If you don’t like that people judge you by your past, too bad. All the rest is rationalization for why it indicates they are a bad person instead of just realizing that men are allowed to have standards and expectations too, and they aren’t going to be the same as yours.
Who said he was a bad person? All I said was she saved herself from entering a dynamic whereby the expectations set would be unrealistic.
If you want a traditional sexual partnership, be traditional. If you want to be sexually casual, the partners you engage with, by definition, will have engaged in casual sex. There’s nothing wrong with any of these approaches. It’s just a question of compatibility of wants and needs.
A person who condemns someone for the very activity they are in the middle of engaging in isn’t taking issue with the activity itself, but something deeper. And whatever that deeper thing is, isn’t really her journey to figure out.
Everyone is allowed to have standards and expectations. All anyone is asking is that you bring the energy you are demanding from others.
“…over outdated expectations and unrealistic projections of an idealized woman ultimately designed to serve as an accessory to help him work through an insecurity he has not unpacked.”
Yeah sure, you didn’t think he was a bad person.
As to the expectations regarding activity he is engaged in: you have standards for your partner that you do not meet. You expect your partner to be a different person from you, and men also have expectations that they don’t themselves meet, because they don’t want to date themselves.
I stand by that. I don't think he is a bad person. The full context of the comment is that she saved herself months of arguing about those outdated and unrealistic projections. I think people are getting caught up on my use of the word "outdated". It's not outdated to have traditional sexual values. It is outdated to expect consenting adults with full agency to conform to a set of behaviors.
It is a fool's errand to enter into a sexually casual relationship with someone and then be angry when that person, surprise surprise, has had other sexually casual relationships in the past. (What do you mean this library rents out books to other people? You wanton literary wenches!)
If this man were to have done that, it would mirror the many relationships in which people date someone and use them as an ideal or a trophy or some sort of substitution to work through a sense of inferiority. There are people who begin to fixate on what their partner is wearing, who they speak to, how they comport themselves, rather than figure out what it is they need this person to be to them and why.
To this man's credit, he didn't do that. He disengaged. So yeah, she's better off. He's better off. This was a good ending.
Your second paragraph is just a difference in worldview. If you have managed to find an example of a sustainable relationship whereby a person has expectations they cannot themselves meet and their partner doesn't resent them for it over time, kudos.
I think you misunderstand or misrepresent the thought process of men (e.g. angry); men aren’t angry, but neither are they willing to have a long term relationship. People who want to buy pristine new books do not buy them from the library, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to read library books. By sleeping with men quickly, you show that you are rental not purchase material, and men don’t hate sluts, they just don’t want to marry them, the same way you don’t hate library books because you’d rather buy new.
I hesitated to use the library metaphor because even though it's fire, I knew I was going to walk right into a comment like this. That's on me, I handed you the lay up.
That being said, we can't compare literal sentient beings to objects, it just doesn't translate the human experience well. So let's take a step back.
All of these things are heuristics. We love packing people into little categories and making grand sweeping statements about behavior, because it's easier. It helps us understand the rules of engagement in the world.
But the truth is:
- people with colorful sexual pasts can go on to be loyal monogamous partners
- people who have never engaged in sexual activity can go on to be extremely sexual partners (even with people other than you)
- women are people (thought I'd add that one just in case)
- some people care about their partner's sexual past
- some people couldn't care less (including men)
The point is to find a person who aligns with your view on it. This man didn't seem align with hers (based on what we know, we only have her account). No one is a bad person. Everyone goes home. This is a happy ending.
Also, I may need to disengage with this thread at some point, I have pilates this evening and if I am going to bend over backwards, I'd rather do it there.
His standards are not outdated and unrealistic. In today's climate of sluttery his standards are reasonable and smart
Why don’t you help those men overcome their insecurity by making them part of the slut making process?
Why is some men’s only option is a serious long term relationship and not casual sex? Thats where the insecurity and the aversion to seriously dating sluts stems from
That isn't how reality works. It's not anyone's business to condition men to change their boundaries for the benefit of women.
If you switch the genders in your comment it would sound super controlling and even rapey.
The article asks why men are averse to (seriously) dating and marrying “sluts”.
My question is, if I’m a man who’s unwanted by women who seek and enjoy casual sex, and my only option is a long term relationship, why would I seek that long term relationship with a group of women who don’t find me desirable enough for casual sex?
Do you understand this conundrum?
That’s exactly my point. No one’s conditioning men to do anything. She can’t change him. He can’t change her. But her boundaries and his aren’t compatible. So everyone’s better off with this ending. My second comment was more in response to the comment that somehow women can help men work through their insecurities. It just doesn’t work that way. Again, I don’t know if he’s insecure, I don’t know this man. But a lot of people (not just men) project things onto potential partners that have nothing to do with the person in front of them. And if that’s what happened, the premature ending is a blessing in disguise.
Because the hard truth is, we can’t.
Unpacking and facing one’s past, trying to figure out whose voice is saying all of these things, what behaviors and thoughts we developed as a survival mechanism (because at one point, they were of use to us), can only really be done by oneself.
And that’s true of men and women. We cannot save each other, we cannot “fix” each other (whatever that means). We can be a salve to people, a holding hand as they navigate the journey themselves, but we cannot do the work for one another.
It’s fine to have preferences. Plenty of people save sexual relationships until marriage. What isn’t fine is imposing those beliefs and preferences onto other people, particularly if you yourself don’t embody them.
I’ll do you one further. There’s no such thing as a “slut” (I say this as someone who used that word a lot in adolescence). People are people. They are complex and unique individuals. Some engage in frequent sexual relationships, others do not. Those relationships are not something you are, but something you do.
To your first point (if I may be so crude), you can’t fuck someone into liking themselves. Many have tried; most will continue; all will fail. It isn’t the same thing as the deep introspective work of coming to terms with who we are as a person. And I’m not standing on a soap box, I’m still working through it too.
Tbh, I don’t know where this is going, hope you enjoyed my TED talk. ✌🏼
The article asks why men are averse to (seriously) dating and marrying “sluts”.
My question is, if I’m a man who’s unwanted by women seeking casual sex and my only option is a long term relationship, why would I seek that long term relationship with a group of women who don’t find me desirable enough for casual sex?
Do you understand this conundrum?
I think there's a lot there that I can't unpack for you on an app that's supposed to be about pixie dust and writing for the lolz.
Your comment categorizes people too broadly. People are complex, three-dimensional beings. No one person can be defined by their behavior (because it can change tomorrow) or their desires (because those are apt to change). The slut thing in the title is honestly just good marketing, because we're all pushing her metrics through the roof and I respect that hustle.
If you decide that you are wholly undesirable to every single woman on Planet Earth seeking a casual fling, then it's self fulfilling. Are there men and women who attract more people? Yeah. It be like that. 🤷🏻♀️ But there's 8 billion people in the world. Sometimes you have to just keep meeting people and adjust your approach. Good luck, fellow substacker. ✌🏼
I’m just saying that women’s standards for men’s looks and physical attraction for casual sex are immensely higher than for long term relationships and marriage. Most men are not good looking/hot enough to be considered for casual sex, hookups, flings, and FwB situations. For most men their only option is therefore to have sex in a long term relationship.
This kind of duality is alien to men. We are either attracted to a woman or we’re not. We don’t have a higher set of physical beauty standards for women for recreational no strings sex.
As a man I have a need for consistency. I have a sense of loyalty to myself. It’s not possible for me to sincerely emotionally invest in a woman who considers me too inferior for casual sex (provided she has been having casual sex with a physically superior group of men).
The best thing I can do is look for women who were averse to casual sex and only had sex within serious relationships so we can be on the same page.
I’m just saying that women’s standards for men’s looks and physical attraction for casual sex are immensely higher than for long term relationships and marriage. Most men are not good looking/hot enough to be considered for casual sex, hookups, flings, and FwB situations. For most men their only option is therefore to have sex in a long term relationship.
Like many mediocre looking men, I have made the cut for serious relationships for several women over the years. I have never made the cut for the hookup, casual fling or the fuck buddy. The standards are different.
This kind of duality is alien to men. We are either attracted to a woman or we’re not. We don’t have a higher set of physical beauty standards for women for recreational no strings sex.
As a man I have a need for consistency. I have a sense of loyalty to myself. It’s not possible for me to sincerely emotionally invest in a woman who considers me too inferior for casual sex (provided she has been having casual sex with a physically superior group of men).
The best thing I can do is look for women who were averse to casual sex and only had sex within serious relationships so we can be on the same page.
outdated expectations... Not for long, no. Maybe they are outdated for the millennials and early gen z but the pendulum is swinging - Thank god!
Nah, I love a yap, I've never sat in an echo chamber for long. To be honest, I am having a pretty good time engaging with everyone on here (I hope the sentiment is the same 👀).
But yeah. The outdated comment was more towards the hypothetical situation she could have landed in whereby this person, who doesn't view sex with the same attitude, expected her to conform to an ideal of a woman they had in their head. The ideal person doesn't exist. You can't change people to fit an idea you have in your head. Thankfully, that's not what happened.
To play devil's advocate for a second, it's hard to say he was looking for someone with a "similar" attitude, when he was being just as slutty. There are plenty of traditional men out there (to the mockery of their peers, sadly), who have vowed to engage in sexual activity only after marriage. When someone like that says they don't want a partner who engages in casual sexual activity, most people's reaction is one of understanding.
But when you make that argument after sharing a stranger's bed, it just takes the wind out of the sails.
Either way, this was a good ending for all. They are not compatible.
I agree with your conclusion if the issue was about her being slutty, but it seems odd to interpret the man based on what the author thought. I think everyone is agreeing with the author's conclusion because they're projecting. I think it's more fair to focus on what he said. He asked, “Do you ever juggle multiple guys at once?”, and she said, "Honestly, I wish I could". I think his issue is that he interpreted her response as meaning she's polyamorous (I did too). Don't get me wrong, if I was her I wouldn't wanna date the guy either, but that's because he's having casual sex :D
—————————
PS: I don't think I have to explain why a promiscuous person is fair in not wanting to be with a polyamorous person, but if you disagree, I'll put a few reasons just in case.
Ignoring my traditional principles, there are reasons not to date someone polyamorous. One, poly relationships are unstable, (90% divorce rate after 8 years). Two, people who want poly relationships are more likely to be, "mentally ill". I don't like the phrase but I can't find anything better. You might not mind dating one of them, and in many cases, I don't either, as I believe people are diagnosed with "mental illness'" because they deviate enough from the statistical norms. I'm basically quoting Jung, THE important psychology guy. Finally, three, (this ones more of an opinion), sex is an intrinsically intimate act, and it makes people in a civil unions more connected. If in a civil union, one member has sex with people outside, it makes them get intimate attachment with others, and this makes them less committed to their partner when there's a fight (which I hear always happen), leading to divorce... wait a minute...this is coming full circle, it's almost like all these reasons are largely caused by each other :O
It was the "im a little slutty" mam. I think it's unclear what that may entail and he's probably worried/scared.
Not every man will bother inquiring into your past; some have themselves been around the block a number have times, others would simply rather not know.
No man wants to date -- and potentially marry -- a "sex writer" who writes publicly on the internet about her sex life for others to read and comment on. The flagrant lack of discretion is alarming because it suggests nothing would be private or intimate, sex or otherwise...and that is not tenable in the context of a marriage.
The paternity certainty principle is a beast. It's genetically encoded and it's not going anywhere.
Why do you need an intellectual, wordy answer to this question? You feel in your gut that men don't like it. The gut doesn't lie.
I think you have the causation backwards. He didn’t decide you weren’t long-term dating material because you had sex on the first date; he was willing to have sex with you on the first date because he already decided you weren’t long-term dating material.
Men who ask the questions he was asking usually want to get married within two years. Saying you were dating without expectations showed you weren’t looking to get married within 2 years. I would bet your answers to all the other questions, like how you see working in a relationship, also made him realize that. Once you called yourself a slut, you just confirmed to him that you are not the one.
The main reason for the no sex on the first date rule is that it helps build long term relationships. Once he knew that wasn’t in the cards, he let how attracted to you he was take over. Seeing you again next week will make it take longer to get married, since he knows you’re not the one, but having sex with you that night did nothing to delay his plans.
The two of you were looking for different things. Once you’re looking to get married, answer the questions differently. You can say you were a slut, but no one wants to marry an active slut, unless they’re polyamorous.
That’s likely the right answer. It wasn’t any one thing, but a number of things that made him think you two weren’t a match, starting with the “dating without expectations”. If he is at all honest about usually not sleeping on the first date, then by the time he slept with you (so, before the slut comment), he’s already decided you’re not the one.
It’s not that sluts can’t be wives. But you two are not in the same headspace. When my husband and I met, we were BOTH where you are headspace-wise. We got together and saw what happened. The difference is, we grew together. Growing together is a thing that can happen to couples even if they were initially not serious. But one would never *recommend* a clearly marriage minded person go for someone who is not serious.
Hit the nail on the head!
It’s not because you had sex, it’s because you said you were slutty. Men don’t want a wife who’s been shagged by everyone in town.
If I was you I would introspect about exactly why you want to be a self-described slut? What is in it for you? Where do these desires come from? It absolutely will make men think worse of you as someone to get married to.
Because they were not part of the “slut making process”.
If I’m unwanted by women seeking casual sex, why should I seek a serious relationship with one?
I know most women are too intellectually dishonest to answer this
It’s our preference. Why are you so insecure?
I came across this because it popped up in my feed but all I can say is, as a grown ass man, I feel bad for y'all having to deal with these childish, insecure dudes. The comment section is runnin' wild with misogyny.
Hope she sees this bro.
It’s wild how libs constantly try to fight against nature. Men should be indifferent to slutty behavior in spouses, women and men are completely interchangeable and have no biological differences, men can become women and then they are *real women*, children should be able to castrate themselves at an age when they think Santa Claus is real, it’s never ending.
Check your T levels and touch grass. The sky is blue, men are men and women are women, sluttiness is not a virtue.
I didn't leave the comment for her, " bro".
I love when you boneheads prove my point. May you never get the joy of fully being loved by a woman.
I personally can only fully enjoy my women once I know they have been thoroughly run through.
Loving women means wanting what’s best for them. Sluttiness isn’t that.
no fr this comments section is off the deep end
simp alert
I think the issue is that you mentioned “you’re a little slutty.” In his mind that probably means okay she’s slept around a lot since you even mentioned it in the first place.
The issue is that I don’t think women realize that this stuff works on an almost primal level for men. An example from a girls perspective would be a man who is overly emotional and can’t get anything done. As soon as there’s a minor issue like a flat tire he’s having a panic attack and looking to you for what to do.
The same is for men and sluts. It’s not society or learned behavior but definitely something more primal. A deep feeling of this would be a mistake if I got into a long term relationship with a promiscuous girl.
Probably WAS the “I’m a little slutty.” What exactly did you mean by that? Does first date sex make you that? I don’t think so. You even said you don’t juggle lovers but concentrate on one at a time. The only slutty thing you said was wishing you could juggle, so you really only aspire to sluttitude. Guess that could be the “a little.”
Sounds like he was looking for a little wifey and you were insufficiently Madonna-like (Jeebus’s mom, not the 80s icon). You didn’t rave about the sex, but first time with someone is not always as good as might be. At any rate I think you dodged a bullet and hope you meet someone who will embrace you 100%. 99…and a half, jus’ won’t do.
I don’t think the “a little slutty” part was the problem - at least, not on its own. Before that you said that you didn’t juggle multiple men, but you wish you could. That’s not good news for him. From his perspective, what if a few months from now, you figure out how to do that? He’s telling you he wants something long-term, and you answered with the same, but there’s a risk of that changing suddenly, and in humiliating fashion.
You’re a little slutty? That’s great, the two of you can explore that. But if his goal is to be one of one while you wish deep down he was just one of many, that’s a dealbreaker.
Is that even what you want? The fact that we’re all here trying to parse this suggests that maybe it isn’t. If you aren’t sure what you’re after, no man (or gaggle of men) can bring you satisfaction.
stories like these make me so glad i’m in a lesbian now holy shit lol. men are such lil gremlins and it’s definitely his loss