Reaching Railed: I haven’t had sex in three years. Help me get back out there!
A little advice for getting over that initial hump (hehe).
Dear Mia,
It’s been three years since I’ve had sex. For the first year and a half, it was an active choice, but after that it feels like more of a hurdle than anything. I’ve never really been an extroverted person so putting myself out there feels daunting, and dating with sex on the table has just been straight up anxiety inducing. I know a lot of people struggle with feeling like they’re not having enough sex, but it’s hard not to let it feel like a reflection of my self worth. Any tips for putting myself out there and making it happen?
Hi my lovely Railed reader. Thank you so much for writing in this thoughtful, relatable question! I’m so proud of you taking the time you needed to step away from sex — it takes just as much courage to press pause as it does to jump back in. Good for you for listening to your body and your smarty pants brain (I can just tell your brain rocks). Now that it sounds like you’re wanting to get back on the horse, let’s brainstorm how to make that happen!
To start, let’s make one thing very clear: Your worth, your desirability, and your general hotness is NOT determined by the amount of sex you’re having.
You’re totally right when you say that many — I would argue, most — people have insecurities around this. Folks in relationships often worry that they aren’t banging enough, single women stress about being sluts (hi, that’s me), and people go through dry spells all the freaking time. It’s a universal experience and a part of life.
However, it’s so important to establish within yourself that sexual encounters do not have the power to define who you are or what you’re worth. Because once your self worth gets tied to sex, it’s no longer a pursuit of pleasure or passion — it’s a pursuit of validation. And that’s so much less hot. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but I’m hopeful that if you are able to separate your self worth from sex, it will alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety you have pursuing it.
Now, let’s unpack: How can you jump over this metaphorical hurdle and put yourself out there?
I think there’s a world in which some people would recommend you just rip off the bandaid. Take a shot, find a rando in a club and bang one out just to get over that initial hump (pun intended). But personally, I would advise a different approach. Sex can be scary and uncomfortable and sometimes even painful, especially if it’s been a minute since you’ve broken the seal.
As you make your sexual re-debut, I would recommend not rushing it: Take your time to find someone who makes you feel safe, someone who you feel comfortable communicating with. You don’t need to be in love or even in like, but I think it could be beneficial to be in a position where you can openly tell the other person, “Hey, I just want you to know, I haven’t had sex in a while. It was an active choice of mine, but I’m feeling a little nervous to jump back into it. I want to have sex with you, so I wanted to share this information with you in case I need to keep things more slow and gentle.” That level of openness and vulnerability would only make for more awesome, understanding sex.
So, that sounds ideal, right? But how do you actually find that person?
Dating apps are a great option, especially for introverts. Heck, even as an extrovert I find them super useful when I’m actively wanting to go on dates and meet someone (even casually!). I have a Railed post with all my advice for navigating the apps and actually turning matches into dates, which you can find here. It may take a couple dates before you meet someone who even feels like a contender for your first hump — and that’s okay! Try to remember that there’s really no rush. When in doubt, masturbate :)
You mentioned that dating with sex on the table has been particularly anxiety inducing, which makes complete sense. I wonder how it might feel to take sex off the table, just momentarily. Before going on a date, maybe you decide in advance that you’re not going to take it to that level, so you can be present without worrying about what might go down later that night. Maybe you set a different boundary, like you want to have a super sexy makeout or give a little BJ action. Again, it’s okay to take your time and wait until you feel ready!
(BTW, literally ZERO judgment if you want to take the “rip off the bandaid” approach! If that feels true to you, get that bag!)
Whether you bang a rando or meet the love of your life, I hope that you go forth and feel empowered in your sexuality. You could go another three years without having sex or enjoy an orgy tomorrow, and neither would change the fact that you are a strong human who is desirable and sexual. Please write back in and let me know how it goes!
XOXO,
Mia
